WINNIPEG, Minn. — In an effort to spread awareness about self-defense against serial killers, chainsaw wielders and other assorted miscellaneous demons and monsters, experts confirmed Sunday that suddenly closing your medicine cabinet mirror is still the best way to reveal the killer is behind you.
“Many people find themselves being chased by a killer these days. Whether they decided to deny existence of a curse, have sex, or be a woman, it’s important to stay alert,” said psychologist Dr. Rupert Sansone. “If you open your medicine cabinet just so slightly that you can see your reflection, but not what is behind you, take caution in shutting it. I advise you to be prepared for a sharp violin sound at the moment of reveal, and if you see a loved one standing there instead, don’t panic: they’ll probably fall into your arms and die from an off-screen attack.”
Local Final Girl Stacy Willis shared her advice for avoiding getting caught off guard.
“I always try to avoid looking into slightly ajar mirrors, medicine cabinets, and reflective creepy music boxes,” Willis explained. “If you’re being chased by a killer, I would first say something out loud about how your dad used to take you hunting or whatever, so it makes sense when you can handle a shotgun later. Always works for me. Make sure if any ominous old person warns you about a local town legend, you verbalize that you believe them, or that’ll bite you in the ass later.”
At press time, experts confirmed Willis’ tips and tricks, and added that if you find yourself in such a situation, you should try and avoid being Black at all costs.
