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Study Finds Average Person Swallows Seven Spider-Man Reboots Over Lifetime

LOS ANGELES — A disturbing new report has confirmed that the average citizen swallows seven Spider-Man reboots during the course of their life, sources have confirmed. 

“We’ve long suspected this, but now we have the hard evidence,” said David Lawrence, who lead the study conducted by scientists at UCLA. “Over the course of an average lifespan, the typical citizen will be subjected to roughly seven relaunches of Spider-Man, namely through movies, video games, and TV shows. For comic book readers those numbers skyrocket to unfathomable levels, but the bigger takeaway here is the sheer number of Spider-Man’s the average person swallows without even realizing it.” 

Many were shocked at the findings of the study. 

“Wow, I always thought that was an old wives’ tale or something,” said Sean Gulley, one of many people alarmed by the discovery. “But I can’t say it’s that surprising. You see so many Spider-Man reboots all over the place, it’s really not so crazy when you think about it. Should we be concerned about this at all? Or is it okay to be ingesting all of these Spider-Man reboots at this rate? I’m not scared of them, it’s just kind of creepy to think about.” 

Others were less surprised by the study’s findings. 

“Doesn’t shock me one bit,” said someone. “My bedroom was in a basement growing up, so that means I also saw shit like Spider-Man: The New Animated Series on MTV2, in addition to all of the common household ones you’d expect. So now as an adult, I don’t even bat an eye when I see a Spider-Man reboot. My cousin grew up in New York City and he says they get these big crazy Broadway Spider-Man’s up there. It sounds insane. Anyways, that’s life. Big deal. Very few of these Spider-Man reboots are actually that good. People just make a big deal out of them for some reason.” 

As of press time, scientists had expressed concern at the alarming surge in Spider-Man 2’s in the last five years.