In the capitalist hellscape in which we live, it often seems that we’re spoiled for choice more than ever; there are so many options for us to pick from nowadays. From grocery stores to makeup brands, how are we to know which choice is best for us in this cruel, cruel world? And when we just want a break from it all to stop the voices in our heads, how can we possibly be expected to sift through all of the endless apps to find the best TV show to watch? Won’t someone just put us out of our misery already? If any of this sounds relatable, don’t worry, because we’ve ranked different streaming services by one important metric: whether or not they are legally allowed to kill you.
9. Paramount+
Paramount+ is so not allowed to kill you it’s crazy. First of all, they just don’t have the sauce. Their fingers are trembling on that trigger, and if anything happened to one of their subscribers, they’d fold immediately and have their lawyers give the next of kin whatever they want. You think Paramount+ is making headlines over controversial deaths? Paramount+? The company that owns Spongebob and wants you to watch one of their ten Yellowstone spinoffs, for Pete’s sake. No, Paramount is definitely not allowed to do anything to anyone, least of all kill them.
8. Peacock
Peacock faces a similar issue to Paramount here: it’s lame. Now, NBCUniversal is a mega-corporation, it’s true, but we are talking about the company with Jimmy Fallon and his lip-sync battles as its face. There’s no edge factor whatsoever, just Steve Carrell’s smiling face when you click on The Office for the umteenth time, a bunch of old episodes of SNL and reboots of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If anything happened to one of their loyal customers, they would immediately be on their knees apologizing in public, because they need those sweet, sweet subscriber numbers, baby.
7. Max
Warner Brothers is absolutely ready, willing and able to kill any of their subscribers that David Zaslav wants. They already routinely kill their own movies and shows and even the famous and iconic HBO branding. If your death could give them a tax credit you would already be dead but it can’t so they won’t. With no financial incentive to kill you, it would actually cost them money to murder you and if there’s one thing David Zaslav would never do, it’s spend money.
6. Apple TV+
Apple is such a powerful corporation that they could kill all of their subscribers, advertise the fact that they did and face zero consequences from anybody. Not the government and not from the people who absolutely have to buy the new iPhone even though they just bought one a year ago and the only meaningful change is a slightly better camera and some feature that was removed to sell you an overpriced accessory. They aren’t going to kill any of their subscribers though because Apple TV+ subscribers are the only ones doing any marketing of the things available to watch on Apple TV+. A dead subscriber is one less person to tell their friends about the Gary Oldman show no one has heard of that is somehow in its fourth season.
5. Netflix
One might think that Netflix, as the literal godfather of the streaming landscape and still one of its most popular, might reserve the right to straight-up kill you at any time. But here’s the thing: they’re scared right now. They just had the audacity to not only put the crackdown on password sharing, but they’re also trying to push their ad-tier onto the sweet, innocent American public. If they were allowed to kill you on top of all that? There’d be riots in the streets, baby, you’d better believe it. Netflix, you’re on thin ice, but I just don’t see “killer” in your eyes.
4. Amazon Prime Video
Ok, now we’re getting into “kill” territory. Amazon, one of the most evil entities of all time, with Jeff freaking Bezos as its founder, does not really give two shits about you or yours. They force their factory workers to piss in water bottles, you think they care one bit if you drop dead at this very moment? Hell, back in January, they automatically opted everyone into their ad-supported tier and said “if you don’t like it, then pay even more, loser.” They’re the school bully who demands you give them your lunch money and then gives you a wedgie anyway just for the fun of it. The only thing holding them back from killing you is that their image has already been raked through the mud a good few times at this point and they’re one of the biggest contributors to everything being the way it is right now. But don’t get it twisted, they’d do it if they could.
3. Hulu
Finally, we’ve arrived at some of the big boys. Hulu is owned by They Who Shall Not Be Named, and are essentially the hitman for anything the Mouse doesn’t want to do itself. They’re the ones who go in with a clean dagger and come out with a clean dagger and a red rag. They could kill you so quickly you’d never see it coming, but there’s one problem: they don’t have the same rep as their boss. If Hulu’s crimes ever saw the light of day, even their one-million-ads-per-episode wouldn’t be able to save them and the Big D would lose them like airport luggage. But even being in proximity to The Don gives you a certain amount of sweet, sweet power.
2. Disney+
Now we’re talkin’. Here’s a cold-blooded, merciless, slit-your-throat-and-attend-your-funeral killer. Disney+. If you don’t want to be killed, then you should read the fine print! It’s right there in the contract when you signed up to watch Ratatouille! It’s not their fault if you die after eating at one of their theme park restaurants, you wanted the Disney experience, didn’t you, you little piggy? Didn’t you sign up for our streaming package? That’s right, you wanted those sweet movies and shows from Uncle Mickey, and they are to-die for, literally. Sure, they can backpedal in public to save face, but deep down, they’re sure they would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling journalists. Disney is so powerful that they’re one of the biggest corporate monopolies on the planet, and as such, they’re allowed to basically do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want. That’s America, baby. That’s exactly what capitalism is all about. And if you die in the process, they’ll build a new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on top of your grave.
1. Tubi
Owned by Fox. Enough said.
