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Stoner Can Quit Smoking Weed Anytime Joe Rogan Wants

MILWAUKEE — Local podcast fan and habitual cannabis user Harry Blinker announced this morning that he does not smoke too much marijuana, insisting that he would have no problem quitting the drug anytime Joe Rogan tells him he should.

“Marijuana helps me live a more creative life, morning until night, every hour of every day,” said Blinker from his bedroom, where he spent the past eight hours smoking blunts and watching old episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. “My mom says that getting blazed all day is bad for me, and yet she has never shown me a single shred of evidence that Joe agrees with her.”

Blinker went on to explain that his heavy cannabis use was only one part of his healthy, optimized lifestyle routine.

“I set aside at least two hours every day for fitness. That’s how long it takes to consume my entire morning regimen of nootropics, vitamins, supplements, steroids, microdoses of DMT and psilocybin, mushroom coffee, and anything else Joe feels like talking about on his podcast,” said Blinker, gesturing to a walk-in closet filled with cardboard shipping boxes from various companies advertised on The Joe Rogan Experience. “My body is a temple. When it comes to what I put in it, I’m very serious about doing exactly what Joe says.”

Although the effects of daily marijuana use require more study, some healthcare professionals argue that such substances are best used with moderation.

“Anything can create an unhealthy habit if you do it too much,” said Dr. Meghan Smelt, a psychiatrist specializing in drug abuse treatment. “Think of it like entertainment, for instance. We all like to listen to an hour of a podcast every now and then, but if somebody started listening to three-hour rambling episodes of a podcast on a daily basis, and basing their entire worldview around what the host says, that would obviously be unhealthy.”

“That’s just a silly hypothetical, of course,” said Dr. Smelt, laughing. “Could you imagine?”

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