NEW YORK CITY — Beloved crime fighter Spider-Man took people by surprise recently by announcing it would be kind of nice to pack heat and blow criminals away, according to sources who quickly ushered their children out of the room.
“Just once I’d like to feel the sensation of cold steel on my hands as I pull the trigger and watch the bullets penetrate my enemies’ vital organs,” stated Spider-Man unprompted at a fundraiser for underprivileged youth. “I know I’ve always been known for non-lethal violence, but ridding the streets of dangerous thugs would be much easier with a Gat. I think I’m the last person in this country without a firearm, and if anyone needs one, it’s me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that with great power comes great responsibility, but that power would be so much cooler if I had a motherfuckin’ Uzi.”
Elizabeth Henry, in attendance with her children, described mixed emotions about the Web-Slinger’s revelation.
“I used to think that Spidey was the perfect role model for my kids because of his pacifist attitude towards killing, but now hearing that he wants to arm himself like The Punisher has me thinking twice,” she said. “I always thought it was kind of sweet the way he just trapped all the baddies up in his cute little webs instead of going for headshots and turning the streets into rivers of blood. But like he said, this is America where you either kill or be killed. Hell, even my grandmother sleeps with a rifle.”
NRA representatives were overjoyed to hear of the Webslinger’s desire to legally purchase and carry a firearm.
“It’s about damn time!,” stated NRA President Charles L. Cotton. “Maybe now I’ll allow my grandkids to be exposed to Spider-Man, since he’s not a total beta cuck anymore. What kind of person goes around trying to fight crime unarmed when we literally have at our disposal the best killing tools on the planet? An absolute psycho, that’s who! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy my five-year-old grandson his first bazooka. We’re taking some nice family pictures tomorrow.”
At press time, Spider-Man was seen exiting a pawn shop with a bunch of new guns, only for them to be instantly snatched out of his hands by Doctor Octopus and fired back at him all at once.