ARLINTON, Va. — Seto Raytheon, the adopted 18-year-old heir to RTX Corporation, the defense conglomerate formerly known as Raytheon Technologies Corporation, has taken over the company and refocused its attention on card games, according to those familiar with the situation.
“I’m honestly not really sure how it happened. He just waltzed into the board room, flipped his giant white coat around, and demanded he control the company. And now he does? I don’t know!” said former board member Shaun Burnett. “I swear to fucking god, at one point, I thought he had a dragon with him. I don’t know if that was real or fake or what. But I saw a dragon. Then he said he was going to send one of the other board members to the ‘shadow realm’ and straight up shot him with a gun. His name was Bobby. Worked here 30 years. Had a whole family and everything.”
“You hear about these kinds of things happening in Japan all the time,” Burnett added. “But I never thought it would happen here. Not in the U.S. of A.”
According to those who were in the room, Seto Raytheon wore no less than 9 buckled belts, but only one to keep his pants above his waist.
“It’s time to put aside these foolish childhood games, selling weapons to the highest bidder, and start working on the real goals: building a competitive deck powerful enough to win a card tournament where the prize is an ancient Egyptian relic!” Seto Raytheon shouted to employees at his first meeting as CEO. “This company may have been dedicated to arms, but now it has but one true goal: making me the greatest card game player of all time.”
Despite criticism, some employees welcome the change.
“I already felt bad about working for an evil company and this is at least a little bit better. Now instead of creating new missiles that kill the most people, I’m helping track down a rare piece of paper with a sexy wizard girl drawn on it,” said RTX engineer Caitlin Bailey. “As far as egomaniacal CEOs go, it could be worse. I have a friend who works at Tesla.”
At press time, Seto Raytheon was killed in a card game by another child.
