WASHINGTON — In a shocking announcement this week, a coalition of the planet’s top climatologists and film critics warned that at the rate we’re going, there is a high probability that the Earth could fall below 50% on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer within the calendar year.
“We’re reaching a critical point in our history as a species,” said meteorologist Carol Anderson. “Between the Trump presidency, Israel committing genocide in Gaza, and that shitty new I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot, we need to do everything we can to reverse course and get the planet back on the right track. For the past twenty-five years, our Tomatometer score has been slowly dipping, but we’ve been hovering at a generous 60% for a while now – right above the critical ‘Rotten’ range. Recently, though, a bunch of fucking horrible things have been happening all at once, and that percentage score is rapidly declining as more and more critics weigh in.”
Noted film reviewer and the person nobody wants to be around at a party, Bryce Fields, offered a bit of a different perspective on Earth’s recent decline on the world’s premiere review website.
“Now, it’s not all doom and gloom,” Fields stated to the press. “Superman and Fantastic Four were pretty good. Zohran Mamdani will probably be the mayor of New York City. And, um…hmm. That’s really all the good news that’s keeping us afloat right now, it looks like. But I wouldn’t start to panic until our score starts to dip down towards a critical average of 55, 54%. That’s about when the alarms should start to go off.”
We reached out to members of the public for their immediate reactions to the shocking news. One local, who chose to remain anonymous, had the following to say:
“Yeah, I mean, that honestly makes a lot of sense to me. To be completely transparent, I’m shocked we didn’t go down to like 33% a long time ago. And what really sucks is this won’t change anything in the long run – so many people still think the Tomatometer is a total hoax, or that we can’t be on a downward trajectory just because the score goes slightly up every now and again. We need to stop relying on these old ‘fossil reviews’ and start pouring our resources into renewable elegies. Otherwise, things are gonna get a lot worse before they get better.”
At press time, scientists were observed obsessively refreshing the Earth’s Rotten Tomatoes page, letting out a unanimous shout of horror every time our percentage decreased.
