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Same-Day Barbie and Oppenheimer Release to Finally Determine Who Has More Say In Couple’s Relationship

ST. LOUIS — Local couple Steven Marion and Ashley Columbia were reportedly troubled by the recent film news that Greta Gerwig’s Barbie and Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer will be releasing on the same day, as it will finally decide who has more say in their relationship when planning date night.

“We’ve usually tried to keep things pretty even and compromise,” began boyfriend Steve Marion. “But now we’ll see who really wears the pants. I love my girlfriend, we’ve been dating for six years, but I also love Nolan, and I’ve been seeing his movies longer, so I’m kind of at a crossroads here. I think the studio executives knew what they were doing here, and they definitely are trying to break us up, and I’m afraid it just might work. As the only Christopher Nolan fan with a girlfriend, I feared this day may eventually come.”

Girlfriend Ashley Columbia offered her rebuttal.

“I will not concede, I will not lose,” Columbia said. “He made me watch something called Tenet during quarantine and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Hell, he didn’t even know what was going on. I’m not sitting through another two and a half hour science jargon-fest. Hell, half of that guy’s movies are about dead wives. And have you seen the leaked pictures from Barbie? It’s going to be transcendent. He may think he is the strong one in our relationship but we’ll just see what happens in the summer of 2023. Sorry, but I only want to see a movie by a director that actually has an Oscar.”

At press time, multiple movie theaters had announced a special cut of the two films to compromise for couples, editing Barbie into a jumbled timeline as she wanders Malibu haunted by the death of Ken.

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