ASTORIA, NY— Contrary to his investment in nicotine gum and promises to his loved ones, local man, Conor Wyles, postponed his plans to quit smoking after streaming the first season of “Mad Men.”
“I’m not a New Years resolution guy, but with cigarettes being $19 now, it was time to quit. I’ve been trying for a while, but it’s already been a rough year, just the cultural conflicts and political turmoil, it’s a lot like the 1960s,” said Wyles while loosening a skinny tie to light up with a vintage Korean War army-issue lighter. “Did you know that in Greek, literally means pain from an old wound. This [cigarette] isn’t a space ship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Like a carousel.”
Wyles’ romantic attachment to smoking has drawn concern from his loved ones.
“It’s 2025, who smokes anymore? It’s disgusting. I’m obviously worried about his health, I want to spend many more years revisiting prestige TV shows with Conor. I just wish he wasn’t so impressionable” said Wyle’s Fiance Lucy Yokoi while spraying Febreeze on her couch. “We just finished ‘The Sopranos,’ I appreciated him cooking baked ziti, but I could do without being called a stunad when I called him out on his casual racism.”
According to experts, what’s happened to Wyles is not an uncommon phenomenon.
“The negative influence of media is a common lightning rod for politicians looking to make a name for themselves, from congressional hearings over horror comic books in the 1950s to the violent video game uproar of the 1990s, but research proves time and again that the media does not cause negative effects in children” said University of Virginia Psychologist Dr. Marilyn Alexander. “However, men of a certain age are highly suggestible to take on the affectations of aspirational characters, known in psychiatry circles as ’The Lebowski Effect’ wherein a man will order White Russians for two weeks after watching ’The Big Lebowski.’
At press time, Wyles couldn’t be reached for comment, but according to his Amazon Prime account he just completed the episode where Harry Crane smoked pot and ate 20 White Castle sliders by himself.
