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Real Life Fight Club Actually Requires Litany of Complex Rules and Regulations

CLEVELAND — Participants of a local underground fight club were disheartened Monday morning when, unlike the David Fincher movie the club was inspired by, the organization actually required a litany of complex rules and regulations.

“The first rule of fight club is: do not talk about fight club,” began Fight Club leader Eric Cromwell. “The second rule is, if you’re new, see Stacy at the org booth, she’ll get your ID and club card made provided you pay the six dollar membership fee. If you lose your card, you’ll have to email either myself or our support line, and we can get you a new one, but you’ll have to pay the fee again. Also, you’ll have to attend the safety training seminar, we’re having one this Saturday, everyone say thank you to Brian for hosting that, thanks Brian, and once you complete that course you should be all set to fight. We’re passing around a waiver right now, if you could please sign that, also there’s another form with an emergency contact form and any medical issues we should know about, just get that into me by next meeting.”

“How many rules have I said? Seven?” he added. “OK let’s run through the rest of these quickly so we can get started with all the fighting.”

Fight club participant John Hammerschimdt gave his insight into the club’s actual fighting.

“It was brutal. A no-holds-barred exhibition or raw masculinity,” Hammerschmidt said of his fight. “Although beforehand, we had to go over the minutes from the last meeting. Then, we discussed match-ups and did weigh-ins to ensure a fair fight. After putting in our mouth guards and wrapping our wrists, of course. The fight itself was a bloodbath, although neither of us got knocked out, the judges decided I had scored the most points, so I guess I technically won. So raw.”

At press time, sources in the fight club noted that tensions had been raised when both of the leader’s two personalities were running for club treasurer against each other.