Boo! Hey calm down, it’s just me! Are you the type to scare easily? Did you just freak out and drop your phone and scream after reading that? Are you the one in the friend group reluctantly participating in scary activities this spooky season to avoid fomo? Well then this list is for you! Assuming you live in the greater central Florida area or are just one of those theme park people who fly to Orlando multiple times a year.
Halloween Horror Nights is often referred to as the biggest Halloween event in the world. Or at least the Orlando one is, I’m not sure what sort of half assed production they’re putting on in Hollywood but it ain’t it. So if you have the pleasure or displeasure of attending the event this year and also happen to be a little jumpy, here’s a comprehensive ranking of every house by how likely you are to punch a poor scare actor in the face.
10: Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire
This house is simply not scary. It’s cute, it’s fun, it’s surprisingly not even that cold! You’ll be fine in this one no matter how much of a little baby you are. Though Slimer can be fairly unsettling. I have it on good authority that he was actually supposed to be the Icon of this year’s event but Universal Creative was worried he would gobble up all the guests’ potatoes on sticks and massive turkey legs.
9: The Museum: Deadly Exhibits
It’s not so bad I promise! It’s just a pleasant walk through a nice museum that is sort of falling apart and has a bunch of scary ghoulies inside with weapons and bad attitudes. This is all due to what’s called ‘The Rotting Stone’ which as you can imagine has made for a fairly uncomfortable visit to the museum. My only concern for you and your fearful fists is how little room this house has at times. You may feel a little cramped and be tempted to throw a punch but you should be okay as long as you follow the first rule of museums, don’t touch!
8: Slaughter Sinema 2
So my only hope here is that the whimsical nature of the scare actors’ costumes may charm you enough not to deck them right in the face. Yes there’s a big guy reaching out at you with an ax, but he looks like Santa! Fun! Santa! Now as for the shark you may give in to your panicky instincts but that’s not a person so it doesn’t count.
7. A Quiet Place
Remember how I said the shark from Slaughter Sinema 2 didn’t count cuz it wasn’t a person? I’m gonna lean on that here too. Yeah the monsters in here are scary but they’re animatronic and don’t have feelings or medical expenses. This one does rank a little higher on the list though just because it’s so dark in this one you might get scared and just start swinging and hit some poor sleep deprived UCF Theatre Major on her 3rd night in a row playing look-alike Emily Blunt.
6: Universal Bloodlines: Eternal Bloodlines
This house would have scored a bit higher on the list if all the characters weren’t absolute baddies. Sure they might pop out and spook ya but they’re gonna look damn good doing it! That being said, a she-wolf coming at you can be quite scary especially without Saskia Van Helsing there to save you.
5. Goblin Feast
Those suckers are creepy and they’re trying to eat you. They’re about to catch these hands in a major way!
4: Monstrous: The Monsters of Latin America
Aye yi yi! You’re really going to need to keep it together. This is the first house I’m legitimately worried about you causing some serious damage. Also I don’t know if knocking out La Lechuza counts as a hate crime, but I certainly don’t want to find out.
3: Triplets of Terror
This house really leans on the jump scares which means you’re likely to lean your fist right into their seemingly dangerous though ultimately harmless faces. These jerks are gonna come right at ya and really rattle you. Honestly we’re at the point where I’m begging you not to do these houses just for the safety of everyone involved.
2: Insidious: The Further
Please just don’t do it. You can’t handle it. All your friends will be laughing about how scary and how much fun this house is, and you’ll just be crying about how you have teeth stuck in your fist from the poor Lip Stick Face Demon actor you punched twice in a row. They’re just doing their jobs, they don’t deserve this!
1: Major Sweets Candy Factory
Is this house the scariest? Not even close. Why is it number one you ask? Because Major Sweets has a big ol bulbous nose and I know you’re gonna try and take a shot at it. He’s gonna pop out and immediately be on the floor after you nail that thing.
I’m pretty sure there’s 3 different Major Sweets actors in that joint at once and if that wasn’t enough you’ve got adults pretending to be small children, I know, highly punchable! So do everyone a favor and steer away from this one. Honestly just do your friends a favor, skip the houses and just hang out in the Dead Coconut Club where worst case scenario you smack down an old Orlando towny who started it anyways!
