Press "Enter" to skip to content

Pixar Confirms They Have Almost Collected Enough Tears for the Ritual

LOS ANGELES — Pixar is reportedly ahead of schedule on their latest top-secret project, a ritual designed to summon an elder god to cleanse the world of all life so that it may be born anew.

“We’re really laying down tracks with [the ritual], it’s terrific,” said one Pixar executive, shrouded behind a menacing, shadowy veil of swirling purple mist, who asked to remain anonymous. “At the rate by which our heartstring-tugging animated films can generate human tears, we thought we would need to make at least six more of them to finally open the Death Eye of the Elder God. However, the release of Soul in the middle of a pandemic when everyone had nothing to do but sit at home streaming movies and contemplating their own mortality gave us a huge boost. So right now we’re pretty ahead of schedule and looking at a really strong Q2.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the recent developments throughout Pixar’s shadowy leadership team which mysteriously took control of the company seven years ago, sources say there is also growing support internally for the small collective of scrappy underdog Pixar employees who believe in good triumphing over evil.

“I hate to be a bother, but I don’t really want to bring about the Glorious Melding of All and None,” said Boogarlathel “Boogie” Altunéthrough, a Pixar employee who was born from a crystal egg deep in the heart of an ancient mountain. “I just want to skate with my friends in the big competition. And…I guess maybe, I wish my dad would accept me for who I am.”

For now, despite internal debate, the studio is focused on collecting the remaining required tears and preparing the ritual chamber, while simultaneously guarding against efforts by other Pixar employees to undermine the project.

“Honestly, at this rate we may get all the tears we need before we work out the logistics,” said the shadowy figure. “The ritual was planned for 2024 and now we’ll have to work around everyone’s schedules to bump it up. We’ve got guys flying in from the secret base on Titan for this, and we have a movie coming out about a fatherly cat whose daughter dies, so absolutely nothing can go wrong. Wait, intruders! Stop them!”

At press time, the precious vial of existing tears was being tossed around the ritual chamber in a high stakes game of keep away.

Hello adventurer! Please collect five USD skins a month and head to our Patreon.
Become a patron at Patreon!