LOS ANGELES — It’s official, a new season is coming. And so is a cataclysmic event that would instantly spaghettify the entire solar system if left unchecked, warn physicists. The Netflix live action adaptation of Eiichiro Oda’s massively popular 1000+ episode anime One Piece contains storylines so condensed experts believe the show could soon collapse in on itself, ripping a hole in the fabric of spacetime.
“Normally it would require the force of two neutron stars colliding to create a new black hole,” said Miguel De Santo, lead researcher on the National Anime Nova Investigation (NANI) project. “But our readings indicate a troubling concentration of gravity waves forming around Netflix server banks across the world since the release of One Piece (2023).”
The newly formed gravity is a result of the plots of 45 standard anime episodes being packed into just one eight episode season of the live action show, studies show. According to calculations carried out by NANI, that’s more than twice the density of the Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure live action movie which caused Toho Studios to go supernova in 2017. Netflix has avoided the same fate by leaving out the plots of several filler episodes, but De Santo says it’s not enough to counter the effects of the much more dense main character storylines.
“The artful mastery with which the writers of this show so concisely yet fully express the essence of long-established characters and themes is extremely alarming,” said De Santo. “By bringing the Koby-Meppo Marine training storyline in early to counterbalance Luffy’s improvisational adventures, they’ve created the fullest story arc in the history of physics. Bigger than Hawking’s Evangelion edit. If they excel beyond their current skill level for season two we’re basically all doomed.”
Even more alarming is the existence of plans for prosthetic reindeer antlers at Netflix Studios, which the NANI team discovered using their state of the art Cosplay Imaging Telescope. The antlers point to the almost certain inclusion of fan favourite Tony Tony Chopper in season two.
“Chopper makes his debut in the anime at episode 83. If he shows up in the live action any earlier than episode 50 the singularity will be irreversible,” De Santos said, adding: “At this point our only hope is a Random Netflix Cancellation Event, but they’re so unpredictable there’s no telling if or when it would happen.”
The servers’ gravity has already attracted satellites which could themselves add to the overall density of One Piece. Early warning signs show several thousand new fanfics are now orbiting the series and De Santo expects many more to appear after the inevitable addition of Nico Robin to the cast.
