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Opinion: Let’s Talk About Kaiju on Kaiju Violence

I’ve been hearing a lot of bullshit lately about how Godzilla is soooo great, and humans marginalize him and the kaiju and blah blah blah, but lemme drop a truth bomb on your weird conical head, you dumbass: Kaiju commit violent crimes against other kaiju way more than humans do, and it’s time we talk about it. I will not be delving further into why that’s the case for no particular reason at all. Numbers don’t lie and neither do I, generally speaking. 

And while we’re on the topic I insisted upon, the army kills twice as many humans as kaiju every year, so why aren’t we talking about that? Oh yeah, that’s right, cause no one gives a shit about atrocities our military commits. Fuck me, right? Just stating the facts gets you vilified these days! King Ghidorah can suck my inadequate dick with all three heads.

Regardless, there are 8 billion humans and literally like 17 Kaiju, which is only 0.000000002% of Earth’s population, so why the fuck should we care about them anyway? If a group isn’t large enough to meet my arbitrary standards, they don’t deserve to exist. That’s just simple math. Oh, does that statistic contradict the point I made with the previous statistic? Uhh, fuck you! Shut up! 

I’m sick and tired of seeing Mothra get all this praise from the media for protecting the Earth, too. Bullshit. I protect the Earth every single day of my life with my stored, unloaded .9mm pistol, and nobody ever congratulates me! Truthfully though, even if someone did congratulate me I would still be seething about the kaiju, but I forbid you from speculating why. We’re not here to talk about me, even though I incessantly bring it back around to me at every opportunity.

And don’t even get me started on Mechagodzilla. So anybody can be a kaiju now, is that it? I guess biology doesn’t matter anymore? This world is going to hell, and guess who’s not going to save you: the fucking kaiju. They’re too busy killing each other to contribute to society like I, a dishonorably discharged murder suspect currently collecting disability for accidentally shooting myself in the leg, do.

I like Rodan though. He’s pretty fly. Can I at least say that, or will that get me canceled too? Ahh, I’m so goddamn furious!