Press "Enter" to skip to content

Norfolk Southern Promises Next Derailment Will Make Some Lucky Kids Superheroes

ATLANTA — Norfolk Southern Corporation held a press conference following the latest train derailment to say that it is excited for the new superheroes it is creating exposing children to whatever toxic chemicals are spilling out this time.

“Look, I’ll admit, we might have dropped the ball on the first derailment by only transporting dangerous chemicals and not the cool, sexy superpower chemicals,” said Alan H. Shaw, the CEO of Norfolk Southern. “What happened in East Palestine was a tragedy, but I can assure everyone that we’re adding Chemical X, Mutagen, Gamma Radiation, and whatever the hell else we can cram in there to make some kickass superheroes at the next derailment.”

Shaw continued to reassure the residents of East Palestine that the chance of a badass superhero origin story is totally worth having to drink bottled water for the next 20 years.

“These kids will have the opportunity to become super well-adjusted heroes, like Daredevil,” continued Shaw. “This is exactly why we are very excited to announce we are now carting around enough chemicals to create a kid Spider-Man and definitely not a kid corpse. We’re doing America a favor here, if anything. People keep ragging us on about the train crashes and we’re out here trying to make America the next global superhero power.”

While some local parents have expressed concerns about the announcement, others have come to embrace the new proposal from the transportation company.

“I love my son Jamie more than anything in this world, but I do also own stock in Norfolk Southern, so I’m conflicted,” said Paul Albertson, a resident of East Palestine. “Now I get to put a bit of money in my pocket and my kid could become Superman? That’s an easy risk I’m willing to take with his life.”

After the conference, Norfolk Southern sent out a press release walking back the superhero statement, explaining that the crash was mostly giving local children Batman’s powers, but without the money or training.

Hello adventurer! Please collect five USD skins a month and head to our Patreon.
Become a patron at Patreon!