NEW YORK — A new report has revealed that the iconic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are currently paying $5400 a month to rent their Gowanus sewer.
“Wow man, gentrification’s been a real motherfucker,” said Moses Long, a local resident of the neighborhood. “I remember when you used to be able to crack open a manhole and live down in the sewers for free. That’s all gone though, ever since around 2014. Sucks that gentrification is hitting the turtles so hard. I don’t know what to say, though. It’s hitting all of us. At least I bet their sewer is included in their rent.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles themselves confirmed the amount they were currently paying in comments to the media earlier today.
“It’s totally bogus,” said Michelangelo, during a recent interview with Channel Six news. “We’ve always worked odd jobs here and there to be able to afford pizza and stuff, but like, ever since the rent starting getting so high, we’ve all had to work overtime most weeks. We can barely go out and bust up the Foot Clan anymore. My legs are sore all the time and we had to find an extra roommate on Craigslist, dude!”
Professional associates of the Turtles also confirmed their dire financial situation.
“Yeah, it’s getting rough for them down there,” said Casey Jones, longtime colleague of the Ninja Turtles. “When I met them they were squatting and just getting pizzas delivered all the time, it was great. Now every time I hit Raph up to go clean up the streets he’s busy walking dogs or some other odd job bullshit. I can tell they want to come stay with me, but I had to move back in with my Dad, so that’s not really an option.”
As of press time, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were reportedly thinking of moving to a sewer out in Jersey and commuting into the city to fight Shredder.
