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Nice: Bill Watterson Personally Informs You the Calvin & Hobbes Voices You Pictured in Your Head Were Correct

CLEVELAND — Legendary reclusive creator of Calvin & Hobbes Bill Watterson reportedly validated your entire existence recently when he confirmed that the voices you always gave his characters in your head were what he envisioned as well, sources confirm.

“I mean, anyone who knows me knows I’m the furthest thing from a soft-touch when it comes to coddling my readers, but I had to hand it to this kid,” said Watterson, in his first public interview in decades. 

“When he did the voices for me when he accosted me at the farmer’s market, it was like my creations had come to life,” he continued, gesturing toward you with an approving glint in his eye. “The timbre, the register, even the ever-so-subtle lisp. For the record, Hobbes doesn’t sound like Phil Hartman, and Calvin doesn’t sound like Jonathan Lipnicki circa 1995. They both sound exactly like, well, you, damn it. Congratulations, now let’s pop some champagne and finally, FINALLY, talk merchandising.”

Though Watterson saw it as a sign for celebration, not everyone is excited for the newfound respect you’ve earned.

“I make a whole documentary on the guy, and don’t even get to meet him once,” said Joel Schroeder, director and star of the much maligned documentary Dear Mr. Watterson. “Meanwhile, your dumb ass catches him at a happy hour and drunkenly tell him what you always thought his characters sounded like and suddenly he’s slapping you on the back and telling you what a genius you are? First I had to deal with those Documentary Now! bozos teasing me and now this?! I swear, I’m gonna pivot to being a Garfield guy.”

Employees of the Watterson frequented Harbor Inn Cafe have noted the artist’s routine when dealing with fans.

“Oh, Watterson’s been coming in for a few years now to fuck with the too-forward fans who bug him. His bit is he tells them everything they want to hear, and get them to buy him a few rounds, all for his own amusement,” said Harbor Inn Cafe bartender Lila Gribbaldi. “I hate to break it to you, but he sometimes even tells people their illegal bumper stickers of Calvin peeing on the Chevy logos are masterpieces. You shouldn’t take it personally, though, the guy’s just been bored the past 30 years.”

At press time, Watterson further inflated your already ballooning ego when he agreed that the plot you assumed “Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie” had was note-perfect.