FREMONT, Calif — Star Wars Fan Garret “Darth Killor” Grant declared he’d finally had enough as the fourth episode of Disney’s new Star Wars series “The Skeleton Crew” began to roll credits.
“I’m just sick of this…woke? No, wait, uh-it’s DEI! DEI-driven crap trying to force diversity down my throat instead of focusing on real issues that affect real people! Don’t they know the people who threaten them online if they don’t do exactly what we want are the REAL fans!” the 36 year old grown man with a job and bills to pay fumed, growing increasingly red-faced and fussy.
Jumping on X – the Everything App, Jenkins discovered he was hardly alone, as among the thousands of bots echoing his exact thoughts back to him, he managed to find a single other human being that agreed with him.
“Why so SERIOUS? Because my childhood is being dismantled right before my eyes to please a bunch of globalist corporate masters,” a 44 year old man only willing to be identified as XxDarthJokerxX posted, “They’re afraid of our massive numbers and power, so they disenfranchise us the ONLY WAY they know how! Buy my NFTs and show them they can’t OWN ART,” the grown adult society expects to be able to moderate himself raged over a fourth energy drink in lieu of water or a meal to “sharpen his senses like a vibro-blade cutting through Riann Johnson’s woke agenda.”
Reached for comment, Simone Broussard, a well-adjusted 10 year old enjoying playing pretend with her friends, had another take on the show.
“The kids are all like WHOOSH! And the grown-ups don’t know WHAT’S going on, but they’re like PNYAW! PNYAW! EEEEURRRRRR!” she enthused energetically, enjoying a children’s show without forty years of parasocial attachment to a low-budget space opera cobbled together from various inspirations from the director’s own childhood.
At press time, Jenkins was asked if he was familiar with the inspirations behind the original Star Wars and responded, “I don’t watch movies to READ, I hear that’s how the virus gets into your mind and forces you to forget what’s really important!! Welcome to the REAL WORLD, IDIOTS!”
