NEW YORK — Streaming giant Netflix announced its new slate of Fall projects earlier today, including a new feature film very blatantly ripping off that one idea for a screenplay you, personally, had in like 2015, but failed to ever write or even talk about.
“We’re so excited to announce our next feature film,” said producer Anthony Russo in a press release, “Hard Candy, a riveting action thriller about a grandfather rescuing his grandson from the clutches of terrorists after a coup is staged during a child’s tour of a magical candy factory.”
Despite the obvious connection between the two ideas, critics have somehow yet to announce that this idea is strikingly similar to that one “Die Hard but like it’s Willy Wonka” idea you thought of in the shower a few years back.
“It truly is a novel concept. Like, I’m 100% positive nobody has or could ever have conceived of it before,” touted screenwriter Rhett Reese, probably, taunting you. “Even if by some fluke, some other hack wannabe out there could muster up the moderate, but totally achievable, willpower necessary to bang out a 90 page draft? We’d still do it better. We’re the big shots, we’ve got the money. Who’s gonna stop us!”
Lance Burton, a former friend of yours at the time when the first meager seeds of ideation were planted in your mind, also shared his thoughts on the upcoming blockbuster.
“Wait, yeah, no, I think I remember this now,” mumbled Burton, confused. “Yeah, that’s right. We were all watching Die Hard 2 at my place and you kept talking over it going ‘Bro, just imagine like, Oompa Loompa Hans Gruber. Wouldn’t that be tight? A24 could make it!’ until we all kinda just started staring at our phones and turned it off. Wow, they’re totally ripping you off! I mean, you could never come after them over it legally. All you have is my vague recollection. There’s no proof of concept. You failed to even scribble the logline on a cocktail napkin the way all great writers do. Anyway, good luck, man!”
At press time, it was reported that Hard Candy was coming hot on the heels of another greenlit Netflix film: a hard-boiled tale about an undercover agent in the mob and a police mole trying to identify each other without raising suspicion. This premise is obviously reminiscent of another half-baked kernel you cooked up after your 5th rewatch of The Departed, something you tentatively gave the clever title of Good Cop, Not Cop.
