SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The big screen adaptation of the video game Five Nights at Freddy’s pulled in $80 million in ticket sales during its opening weekend, despite the fact the movie was also released on NBC Universal’s Peacock streaming service at the same time, a fact that the nation’s parents were shocked to discover.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” asked local parent Steve Hokanson as he waited in line to pick up his son at Harper Elementary School. “I took my kid and three of his rowdy ass friends to the goddamn theater on a Saturday afternoon, spent like a hundred bucks on snacks and shit, had to listen to their inane bullshit, and the whole fucking time it was right there on our fucking TV? Shit ass—”
Hokanson abruptly cut off his statement as his son climbed into the backseat. Red-faced, Hokanson turned around to curse at his son about slamming the door before speeding out of the parking lot. Meanwhile across town, his wife was similarly displeased to learn of the film’s availability.
“I love to watch The Office while I’m doing chores around the house, so we got a subscription to Peacock, but I had no idea,” Danielle Jones said, growing visibly frustrated while at her daughter’s gymnastics class. “The kids have all the stupid Freddy Fazbear toys and bugged the hell out of us to take them to that piece of shit movie. I could’ve just parked them in front of the TV on Saturday morning and gone out with my girlfriends that night after all. Fuck me.”
Matthew Benavides, vice president of marketing for Peacock, says the strategy for releasing “Five Nights at Freddy’s” in both theaters and on the streaming platform came down to one thing: no one uses Peacock, and even Peacock subscribers forget they subscribed to it.
Executives from Peacock say the strategy behind putting the film on their platform was to encourage people to either subscribe to Peacock or remember that they’re currently subscribed to Peacock.
“A few months ago we were sitting around having some beers with [Five Nights at Freddy’s producer] Jason [Blum], and we tossed around the idea of releasing the movie theatrically and on the platform the same day,” said Matthew Benavides, vice president of marketing for Peacock. “Jason was worried about the box office money we’d be leaving on the table, but us Peacock guys just laughed and bet him a round of drinks it wouldn’t fucking matter.”
“Next round’s on Jason!” Benavides added.
At press time, an ad for Peacock featuring Five Nights at Freddy’s went ignored on Fandango.com as another hapless parent paid $75 for their family of six to attend a Saturday afternoon showing.
