NIGHT CITY — The nation’s antiheroes convened on a dark rooftop in Night City last Friday to announce that the situation must be pretty dire for you to be seeking their help.
“Well, well, well, what have we got here?” read group spokesperson ‘Killswitch’ from a statement prepared and ratified by each of the group’s most heavily-tattooed members. “You always thought our methods were too extreme. We guess the tables have turned.”
According to antihero “Hooded Gun”, who began as a pointed allegory for the danger of right-wing masculinity but who now is just sort of an edgy guy, the priority of the group remains what is in it for them.
“There’s just one thing we want to know: what’s in it for us?” read Gun. “You may think we do this out of the goodness of our hearts: but no. We’re cool and ‘2016’ in that way.”
The group also announced that the going rate for their antihero work will also be increasing, in line with the increased workload due to the negative state of the world.
“Where once we worked to protect our own lives and, occasionally, for the promise of a one-million-dollar payday we would ultimately reject at the end of our character arcs, now we work for the promise of a TWO-million-dollar payday that we will ultimately reject at the end of our character arcs,” Killswitch announced to the gathered group of police commissioners, driven reporters, and hard-edge government handlers.
Though the state of the world is now desperate enough to require the assistance of antiheroes, not everything is so bleak: according to mall employee Blaize Embers, sales at every Hot Topic have never been higher.
“Our stock has shot through the roof. When these characters first appeared, they were villains. And they still kinda are, but now they’re more palatable to parents. And that has merch implications,” said Embers. “If there’s one thing teens love, it’s misunderstood heroes with merch implications.”
At press time, the group has also declared that “we’re not so different you and I”
