LOS ANGELES — Leaving astrophysicists scratching their heads, box office analyst Kevin Thurman, 27, found that a movie’s opening weekend had earned not only $120 million domestically and $362 million globally, but also a suspicious $7 from beyond the reaches of our cosmos.
“Alright guys, we’ve got some impressive domestic numbers, global sales are looking great too — wait a second, what’s this?” said Thurman, staring in disbelief as a mysterious number appeared on his screen. “Seven dollars from an extraterrestrial box office beyond our comprehension? This has to be some type of glitch…but no it seems legit. Well, I guess in some ways this is good news. We finally have a whole new market to cater to entirely. Let’s get those numbers up!”
After verifying the number is real and not resultant of a glitch, NASA president Bill Nelson held an impromptu press conference.
“Billions of dollars, and decades of research just to be beaten by some kid on Box Office Mojo!” exclaimed Nelson, tears streaming down his face. “This is unfair! I’ve dedicated my entire life to finding signs of extraterrestrial life, and he’s handed evidence on a silver platter? I can’t believe such a cruel world exists. But I won’t give up. Tomorrow, I am embarking on a solo cosmic mission to uncover the truth behind this phenomenon. Mark my words, the name Bill Nelson will be forever etched in history, and that Thurman kid will be forgotten.”
A cryptic message believed to have been sent by the extraterrestrial movie-goer has reportedly been deciphered by language expert, Mariam Bauer.
“When I first saw the message, I was flabbergasted,” said Bauer. “The symbols were unlike anything I had seen before. However, after extensive analysis of the syntax using cutting-edge translation software, I can confirm that I’ve successfully decoded the message whose celestial simplicity moved me to tears. It reads, ‘that movie sucked ass lol.’”
At press time, NASA was reportedly in conversation with actor Adam Sandler to reach a deal to make seven exclusive films to be sent to the extraterrestrial being.
