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Local Man Decides to Be Incel

CLEVELAND — Local man Nathan Bowen has reportedly decided to become an incel, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’ve been doing a lot of research and I think I would be a great fit with the incel community. That’s why I’ve decided today to become involuntarily celibate. And I’m proud to say that this, like all things, is the fault of women,” Bowen explained.

“It’s very tough being unable to have sex no matter what I do, but it’s now a major part of my personality and it’s important to me to stick with my community,” Bowen added. “Now that I’m an incel, all these fucking Chads and Beckys are out here trying to ruin my life simply because no one is willing to have sex with me. I hate my goddamn life now! Life is now a series of oppressions all because I’m too fucking ugly and stupid to be a functioning member of society! AGHH!!!”

Those close to Bowen have tried to convince him not to become an incel.

“I really really really hate this for him,” said Bowen’s longtime girlfriend Natalia Romero. “He isn’t involuntarily celibate if he’s choosing to become that! It’s so goddamn stupid.”

“He always does stuff like this where he gets really into something for a while. Last year it was Dungeons and Dragons, and before that it was reading the Wikipedia pages of famous tragedies. But this is easily the worst of his obsessions. I mean are we not even allowed to have sex anymore? And he’s mad at me all the time? How the fuck does this work?!” Romero asked. “I’m tempted to break up with him over this, but that’s just gonna add fire to the incel flame.”

At press time, Bowen denied any allegations that he is actually a volcel, explaining that he identifies closely with the incel community and no other celibate groups.