ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Little brothers continued to be totally fucking annoying this week after Trey’s brother Austin managed to exploit a major design flaw in the LEGO Death Star by shattering it all over the goddamn ground.
“My brother couldn’t stand the sight of my glorious LEGO battlestation,” Trey said, still picking up pieces from underneath his bed. “He stole the instruction book last week, so I knew he was planning something. I was ready for all kinds of attacks — nerf darts, a football, even a large-scale assault with some of his friends. But to just walk in and drop it on the ground? Even though I’m so mad I could shove a Lego down his throat, I’m actually kinda impressed. Still, I’m thinking about telling him he’s adopted.”
Austin was happy to provide a briefing on how the little shit carried out the attack.
“The approach wasn’t easy,” Austin explained, drawing a diagram of his brother’s room with crayons. “I had to maneuver straight down our upstairs hallway, then penetrate the outer defense, which has a ‘KEEP OUT’ sign taped to the door. Analyzing the plans I stole, I discovered a weakness in the battlestation, in that if you drop it on the ground, it’ll completely fucking shatter. The height I needed to drop was about 2 meters, not much bigger than a womp rat. A precise hit on the ground started a chain reaction that destroyed the station, and made my brother totally lose his goddamn mind.”
Trey and Austin’s dad, Jeff, blames himself for the fuckery going on in his house.
“I think I got him too into Star Wars,” Jeff admitted, googling summer camps to enroll his kids in. “I just wanted to be the cool dad, now I’m pretty sure there’s LEGOs in the goddamn air ducts. I’d put Austin in timeout, but that would just give him time to think of more ways to piss off his brother.”
Jeff’s inclinations were correct, as at time of reporting, Austin revealed his plans to wrap a tow cable around the legs of the family cat.
