CORUSCANT – As part of an increased effort to strengthen their connection to the Force, the Jedi Council has announced their intentions to enforce a NoFap lifestyle among their ranks to improve Force sensitivity, sources within the Jedi Temple claim.
“When a Padawan masturbates, they expel nearly all the midichlorians within their body in one fell swoop. Clearly, this is not the will of the Force” said Jedi Master Ki-Adi-Mundi, who claims his own phallic visage has nothing to do with his staunch support of NoFap. “The Jedi Council will no longer sit back and allow Sith infiltration, Sith indoctrination, Sith subversion, and the Galactic Sith conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”
The proposal, drafted by Master Mundi, will codify into Jedi law a ban on both masturbation and the procurement, distribution, and enjoyment of pornographic holocrons throughout the Order.
“Let me get this straight. We can’t have wants, we can’t have feelings, we can’t have love, and now we can’t even jerk off? I’ve never felt closer to joining the Dark Side” said disgruntled Jedi Knight Glup Shitto while eating a heaping helping of Nimodian beef shanks in the Temple’s cafeteria.
“Even the fucking clones are allowed to rub one out. I’ve seen them do it! Their impressive biceps tensing up and flexing as they do. Their perfect tanned skin glistening from the sweat they produce as they pleasure themselves…
“All I can say is that from my extensive personal experience, there’s more than one way to let the Force flow through you.”
While the Jedi Order itself seems torn by the proposal, Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has expressed support for the endeavor. “During these trying times, whatever makes our wise protectors stronger with the Force is undoubtedly necessary,” said Palpatine during an address to the Senate.
“And it may be true that the Sith Order has no issue at all with masturbation and, in fact, even encourages it. That surely will have no effect on any uncertain Jedi fed up with their strict lifestyle. Have you ever heard the tale of Darth Stilmulus the Girthy? It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.”
At press time, the entire Jedi Council has pledged themselves to a NoFap lifestyle in solidarity with the new policy with the notable exception of Master Kit Fisto, who has defected to the Separatist Alliance in protest.
