Press "Enter" to skip to content

J.J. Abrams Won’t Stop Telling Sandwich Guy at Bodega to ‘Surprise Him’

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Staff at a local bodega have become increasingly frustrated with Star Wars director J.J. Abrams, who won’t stop placing lunch orders by telling the establishment’s sandwich maker to “surprise” him, frustrated sources waiting on line behind Abrams confirmed.

“When I get a sandwich, I don’t want the same old thing every time,” Abrams explained. “I’ll take a random combination of meats and vegetables over a predictable roast beef sandwich any day. I see lunch as a sort of mystery box.”

The situation became worse as Abrams began micromanaging the deli workers by asking them to invent some backstory to explain new ingredient choices. When a sandwich maker decided to start including pastrami one day, Abrams demanded that he act out the decision in a flashback sequence.

On several occasions, Abrams was seen taking finished sandwiches back to the counter and asking workers if they could “retcon some onions into them.”

“This isn’t how you make a sandwich,” vented angry bodega worker Sal Marinello, who was angrily working on a third round of drafts on Abrams’s sandwich following a series of notes from the director. “A sandwich is a carefully crafted production. You don’t just toss a bunch of random ingredients together and expect it to taste good just because it’s surprising. Has this guy ever even eaten a sandwich before?”

According to reports, several Bushwick natives have spotted Abrams exiting the bodega every day, throwing the sandwich in the trash and ordering a pizza next door. Abrams is often overheard telling crew members back on set that pizza was his plan all along, actually.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Hello adventurer! Please collect five USD skins a month and head to our Patreon.
Become a patron at Patreon!