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If You Think Napoleon Is Inaccurate, Get the Fuck Ready for Gladiator 2 (a Guest Column by Ridley Scott)

I don’t think I made myself clear.

I only gave those who questioned Napoleon’s inaccuracy a quick glance, telling them to fuck off, Now, I do think they wouldn’t know historical accuracy if it burst out of their chest, but what’s really important is that this is just the beginning. Gladiator 2 is going to be my magnum opus of making historians my bitch.

If you’ve been doing any crumb of research, you’d know that I’m making it about the little kid from the first film. If you don’t remember him, that’s because you’re thinking of Braveheart instead, moron. What hasn’t been revealed yet is that he’s actually part-robot and can shoot daggers out of his eyes at mach speed. That’s right, robots in 2nd century Rome. It only hasn’t been codified in some stupid textbook because all the historians are thinking about bullshit like how they cultivated plants and not what cyborgs they were developing.

Keep reading, bitch. I didn’t spend four months in a writer’s strike for you ungrateful bastards to fret over history.

Lucius starts gladiating all over the world. Undefeated from Greece to Chicago, like I would be at the Oscars if everyone was as smart as I am. He shoots daggers at the pyramids, but the pyramids fight back with missiles. I just binged every episode of Ancient Aliens and I can tell you that’s only half of their arsenal. Shows what those goddamn fart sniffing “experts” know.

Finally, we go for the big one. We’re bringing back Maximus. Isn’t Maximus dead? Wouldn’t that make him a Jesus figure? Yes he is. That was the whole point of the last movie, that Maximus, and Russel Crowe by extension, is actually Jesus. I saw it in a vision from God, who looked a lot like Crowe. If you doubt anything I say, you’re being a blasphemous little shit. There’s been plans for Maximus to kill Jesus, which also actually happened in 165 AD.

The movie ends with Maximus going forward in time to 2019, where he fist fights Rick Deckard. Blade Runner is non-fiction too, I was there, don’t ask me any more fucking questions.

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