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“I Answer Questions for No Man,” Says Giancarlo Esposito in Tense ‘Celebrity Jeopardy!’ Appearance

LOS ANGELES —  A taping of Celebrity Jeopardy! reportedly went off the rails Thursday when guest contestant Giancarlo Esposito stalled the show with a chilling speech about power and control.

“I answer questions for no man,” Esposito began in a cold monotone. “Your little games and trivia bore me, and my patience for these droll anecdotes wanes with every passing round. You call this show ‘Jeopardy,’ yes? I believe this to be a misnomer. Despite what you may believe, I am in no danger. My life is at no risk. It is you who should be afraid. It is you who should be asking yourself questions, or rather answers. You think you have trapped me, like the hunter ensnares his defenseless prey. But if you dare to challenge my knowledge of Potpourri or Famous Bridges, you will see how a hungry dog can bite when he has nothing left to lose.” 

Celebrity Jeopardy! host Mayim Bialik said the ordeal was just as compelling as it was terrifying.

“Before the show, he was warm and inviting, smiling and speaking softly about how he was excited to play,” the Big Bang Theory actress said. “When we started putting money on the line, his brow furrowed and a grim frown creeped across his face, as he began calmly explaining to me why I shouldn’t dare deprive his charity of the million dollar prize. His unblinking, unflinching stare is burned into my brain, and even though his voice never raised above a low monotone, it froze me to my core. I couldn’t bare to continue on to Double Jeopardy, I sprinted home to check on my family and make sure he hadn’t already gotten to them.”

At press time, sources reported that after getting the show back on track, the game reached an unsettling yet thrilling climax when Esposito’s Final Jeopardy answer was revealed to be ‘Who will show you mercy?’ before the studio lights suddenly cut out.

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