LOS ANGELES — An enthusiastic Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea has reportedly been spotted around Hollywood, pitching an autobiographical film that he thinks “is really something special.”
“Let me tell you something about today’s Hollywood landscape, brother” said Hogan, former World Wrestling Federation champion as he accosted two Paramount executives coming back from their lunch break. “There’s not enough movies featuring heroes with 24 inch pythons that aren’t araid to take on villains like Andre the Giant and that snake The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase! Before you ask me what I’m doing here, let me ask YOU something, brother: Whatcha gonna do when the best biopic of all time opens wide and outgrosses everything else in sight?”
The unsolicited pitch was merely the latest in a string that have taken place around the city’s major studio lots.
“He kicked our door down like the Kool-Aid Man,” said Lauren Gilchrist, an executive at Disney. “And started telling us about how The Wrestler was a great movie but it lacked a scene where Mickey Rourke fucked his friend’s wife and then said racist shit about his daughter’s boyfriend all on a sex tape that goes public. Then Hulk posed for like five minutes until security showed up and whisked him away. I was a big fan as a kid, don’t get me wrong, but that was just bizarre.”
Though apparently striking out with the repeated pitches, news of Hogan’s antics has peaked the public’s curiosity.
“Honestly, that sounds like a fantastic movie,” said Joe Gibson, a local wrestling fan. “Everything else right now is either a comic book movie or a sequel or both. Why can’t we just do two hours of Hulk dropping legs on The Iron Sheik and The Macho Man? Top ten movie of the year, easy. Except, Hulk can’t play himself like he’s insisting. He probably shouldn’t write or direct, either. Actually, please keep that guy as far away from this as possible.”
As of press time, Hogan was reportedly shopping another script around, this one about a guy who fucks his best friend’s wife.