KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — A terrible secret was reportedly revealed to Home and Garden Television executive Brian Angier after accidentally stumbling into a secluded room containing dead clones of the original Property Brother.
“Oh my God, it all makes sense now. I can sense the evil coming from this room,” a petrified Angier reportedly said. “I always wondered how there were two perfect Property Brothers designed to renovate dream homes, but I never knew this is the terrible, sickening way we made them. I always thought the Property Brothers were good. Too good. Now I see why. Take a moment and think of this ‘achievement.’ Think of all the failed real estate moguls that met their cruel fate all so one couple a week could have a bespoke treehouse built for their kids in their backyard. For every vaulted ceiling or Jack and Jill bathroom, there’s a grotesque, malformed Property Brother floating lifeless in a vat. I think I’m going to be sick.”
Property Brother Drew Scott spoke to the horrors he witnessed to become a reality TV sensation.
“So often you think of the price of your home renovation, but you fail to consider the cost,” Scott said. “It took everything. Everything, to get where I am. These other HGTV stars, your ‘Flip or Flop’ or ‘Love It or List It,’ they know nothing of sacrifice. It’s one thing to give your life to fixing up homes, it’s another to give up hundreds, thousands of your life to perfect the craft. Though I may spend my entire career flipping houses, the greatest renovation I’ve ever been a part of was rebuilding my own body from the ground up, after tearing it down over and over and over again. Am I the original Property Brother? Impossible. While I may or may not indeed be a clone, whoever the ‘original’ Property Brother was died the moment he dared to play God.”
At press time, sources at HGTV announced that they would be burying all of the failed television stars in a beautifully renovated mid-century modern mass grave with original molding.