LOS ANGELES — The long-running docuseries/reality show Hoarders plans to feature Jerry Kruger, a man who stores every single file on his desktop, disgusted sources confirm.
Kruger states that while he doesn’t think he has a problem, he’s agreed to go on the show for the sake of his family.
“I understand that my desktop is a little messy, but I don’t see what the big deal is,” Kruger stated while pushing aside a file named “untitled36.doc.” “My wife and kids have been pleading with me to get some help, so that’s the only reason why I’ve agreed to this. But if anybody suggests something ridiculous like putting the job offer from the now defunct restaurant I worked at five years ago in a folder, there’s going to be a problem. I need constant access to that file and if I can’t see it on my desktop, I’m going to totally lose it!”
Hoarders’ producers were ecstatic to share the “shocking lows” explored in their upcoming episode.
“We believe this will be the worst episode of Hoarders ever created, which also means it’s the best episode,” stated executive producer, Lance Baker. “I’ve been working on this show since the beginning and have built up a pretty strong stomach. I’ve seen everything: people storing their feces, rats getting into the stored feces, storing rats that got into the stored feces. However, I’ve never been more disturbed than when I first saw that mess of a monitor. How can someone live like that?”
Hoarding disorder expert Jessica Slipmen worries that this form of the disorder will only continue to become more prevalent without personal vigilance.
“We are all capable of living in the filth of a disgustingly crowded desktop,” Slipmen stated. “How many pages of apps do you have on your phone? How full is your downloads folder? How many emails do you have in your inbox? These are all warning signs. I’m pleading with anybody reading this, please get help before it’s too late.”
At press time, Kruger is reportedly using his wife’s computer and is now slowly filling her desktop with files as well.
