NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max, recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what that means.
“We’re excited to offer this new feature to all our loyal viewers who we’ve tormented over the years,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “After we received backlash for randomly and unexpectedly scrapping so much content, we thought it would be a smart move to give subscribers a little heads up about what might be next on the chopping block. So if you wake up and find that your favorite shows have been moved to this specially curated category, it might be a good idea to start binging because who knows what we might do to them.”
Max subscriber Tracey Kees expressed her opinion on the news.
“Is this a joke?” said Kees as she furiously shuffled through the long list of shows whose existence was suddenly in jeopardy. “First they pull content people actually want to watch, and now they’re openly trolling us? How much time do I have to watch these things before they’re gone?”
Media analyst Priya Kapoor described the lengths streamers will go to set themselves apart from their rivals.
“The competitive media landscape has forced companies to innovate,” Kapoor stated. “Netflix already has a “Leaving Soon” category to alert viewers about which titles will be departing in the near future, but this new feature by Max takes it to another level, albeit for no apparent good reason other than to be a bunch of dicks. It seems like their entire business model is built on messing with their own subscribers, so this isn’t really that surprising and quite frankly very on-brand.”
At press time, Zaslav announced an even more ominous feature in the form of a doomsday-style countdown clock which would randomly appear on screen but offer no details about why it was there.