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Grim New Make-A-Wish Program Sends The Rock to Terminal Children to ‘Finish the Job’

PHOENIX — The Make-A-Wish foundation has launched a new program partnering with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to greet terminal children to, as their slogan puts it, “finish the job.”

“The best part of my job is going into the hospital and seeing those kids’ surprised faces, then watching that surprise melt to fear as they realize they are meeting their reaper,” Johnson said. “I love brightening their day, and those kids are so brave after all they’ve been through, that I’m more than happy to take time out of my day to give them a hug, an autograph, and a pillow forcibly applied to their mouth and nose. Being a movie star and wrestler can be tough, but it makes it all worth it when those poor kids tell me that I’m their hero, and then plead for mercy.”

Johnson’s agent, Julia Gilbert, explained the genesis of the Finish the Job program.

“The idea came about actually by accident, when Mr. Johnson was visiting a nine year old with leukemia in the hospital normally and something went horribly wrong,” Gilbert said. “While we thought this was a terrible accident, we suddenly thought maybe we could spin it, and even turn it into an entirely new form of charity. The rest, as you know, is history.”

While the charity initiative is coming under criticism, Make-A-Wish founder Michael McDormand defended it in a press conference last Friday.

“While this program may seem unfair to the children, don’t worry: many kids will get to pick any celebrity they want to come and euthanize them,” McDormand said. “This exciting new chapter for Make-A-Wish will give these unfortunate kids an amazing memory they’ll cherish for the rest of their life, which admittedly will not be very long. In extreme cases, we’re also testing out some children choosing their death to be from a celebrity firing squad, where one random A-List star has a blank in their gun so they don’t have to bear the weight of killing a child.”

At press time, Johnson’s publicist also hinted that the actor was in talks to partner with local nursing homes to provide a humane form of euthanization via Double Rock Bottom.