WASHINGTON — The American government is concerned that Mr. Beast will trigger a disturbing wave of copycat philanthropy after recently uploading a video that shows him curing 1,000 people of their blindness, sources have confirmed.
“We can’t have this garbage rotting the minds of our children,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s bad enough that a kid might get on YouTube and find a drag queen or rap music video, but to see someone using their vast resources to improve the lives of others? Kids are going to see this trash and think accessible healthcare is an achievable goal. We’ve really failed the children of our nation, letting them see this crap.”
Parents across America echoed the fear that their children might start helping others.
“I was trying to raise my son to be a good boy and slit anyone’s throat he had to to get ahead in the world,” said Kim Gilman, one of many worried mothers that have voiced concern. “But after he saw Mr. Beast cure 1,000 people’s blindness, he keeps going on about how positivity can be infectious and he’s wondering what he can do to help the community. The community? How about you get outside and shovel that walk, buddy!”
“If he keeps this up I’m taking away a few hours of his daily screen time,” she continued.
Washington’s growing concern about widespread generosity is a bipartisan one.
“I saw that stuff, and I didn’t like it,” said President Joe Biden. “This kid’s out here putting his ideas directly into action, it’s completely amateur stuff. Shouldn’t he be dangling the notion of one day presenting some kind of plan to possibly help finance the surgery over their heads in a series of videos that lasts years? I don’t understand his play here.”
- As of press time, Mr. Beast had been assassinated and the United States had installed a temporary host of his channel.
- As of press time, Mr. Beast had reportedly begun installing a series of high speed rail lines throughout the Midwest for his next YouTube video.