GOTHAM CITY — Local billionaire and Wayne Enterprises CEO Bruce Wayne reportedly aroused suspicion from the Gotham Orphanage after attempting to adopt his third new son that month.
“When Mr. Wayne came in to adopt an eleven year old boy five weeks ago, we thought it was a benevolent act of charity,” said Gotham Orphanage board member Shandra Evans. “When his son unfortunately and mysteriously was killed by Killer Croc, we thought it was even sweeter that he processed his grief by adopting another son. When that son was also somehow killed by The Joker two weeks later, we started to get a little concerned. I don’t know what he’s doing with these children, or why he lets them anywhere near the clown prince of crime, but I’m not sure we’re giving him another boy.”
Children at the orphanage are apparently aware of Wayne’s sketchy reputation with adoption.
“I know that man; boys who leave with him never come back,” said local orphan gymnast Timothy Crest. “Please do not make me go with him. I have seen my friends leave thinking they will have a happy, rich life, but weeks later they are on the news after being dipped into acid or detonated by a clown-shaped bomb. I have no clue why he keeps needing another son, but I’ll be damned if I’m his next chosen victim.”
The wealthy playboy defended his sudden need for another child.
“Listen, guys, I can’t explain why, but I just need another son,” an exhausted Wayne said in a press conference. “Batm—, I mean, I have to have a son so I can teach him everything I know to help this city when I’m gone. OK? Just give ‘em to me. If any of them are acrobats or pickpockets or something useful, they’re at the top of my list. I’m an orphan, so I understand their pain. I want to give them a perfect life, for two to three weeks until they’re tragically beaten to death by a supervillain to teach me a powerful lesson about how I can’t save everyone. Just give me the goddamn kid.”
At press time, sources reported that Barbara Gordon, young daughter of Gotham Police Commissioner Jim Gordon, had just been shot in the spine by the Joker just days after accepting a nighttime internship at Wayne Enterprises.