ENDOR — Having successfully eradicated the second Death Star and defeated the Empire for good this time, the specter of fallen Jedi knight Obi-Wan Kenobi has now started to counsel Luke Skywalker about his chronic masturbation habit, sources have confirmed.
“Great job, Luke. You defeated Vader. I knew you could do it,” said Kenobi in a telepathic message received by Skywalker shortly after the Battle of Endor’s conclusion. “Now, we’ve got to find you a partner or at the very least work on your self discipline. This is no way for a Jedi to treat his body, Luke. A Jedi must know patience and sacrifice. This constant ejaculation troubles all of us elders that are observing you. Also, you should really be careful with the only hand you have left.”
Skywalker’s onanism, common for boys his age, has drawn the attention of his coworkers in addition to his mentor.
“Is that what the kid’s always doin’?” asked rebel pilot Han Solo, who’s fought alongside Skywalker several times. “I told Chewie I had a bad feeling about it when Luke spent a half hour in the Falcon’s bathroom the other day. Boy, I sure would love to be wrong, just one time. Hey 3PO! Maybe you should put on a dress and go ask Luke if he has any jobs you can do for him. No, come back here, I was just kidding.”
Despite the pleas from Kenobi, many rebel soldiers confirmed that Skywalker kept excusing himself from the large celebration held in the wake of the Empire’s fall.
“Wow, I can’t belive it,” said Ark Linto, a young X-Wing pilot fresh off his first combat mission. “I just met Luke Skywalker! An hour earlier he’s defeating the Empire and saving the galaxy, and now here he is at the same party as me. He was a little shy, but it was really great meeting him. It was strange the way he ended our interaction by saying he had to go look for his goggles in the woods, because his goggles were around his neck. But oh well, maybe he was just overwhelmed by all the attention and felt like getting away for a minute. I’m sure he has a lot on his mind.”
As of press time, a watermelon from the Endor celebration party had mysteriously floated into the woods.
