LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Captain PixieHoof, set to become the first member of the furry subculture to ever compete in the Kentucky Derby, was placed at 1,786,326-1 odds this morning leading up to the iconic race at Churchill Downs, track officials confirm.
“We couldn’t be happier to see two historic firsts at this year’s 145th running of the Kentucky Derby,” said Churchill Downs spokesperson Jeanette Moore. “No horse fursona has ever run this race before, and no entrant of any kind has ever faced odds lower than the chance of getting dealt a Royal Flush.” Moore paused to look over the gigantic thoroughbred racehorses taking their morning walks around the track. “Like, way lower.”
Danny and Maggie Bell, the self-described “handlers” of Captain PixieHoof, an undersized stallion measuring roughly the height of a bent-over human adult at the withers and a standing adult at the head, were thrilled to merge their longtime passion for furry roleplay with their curiosity about horse racing.
“We’ve done the roleplay forums, attended all the major furry conventions, logged a couple thousand hours in Second Life, but eventually it all got kind of stale,” said Maggie, standing in front of a horse stall containing two large duffel bags. “So we went looking for a way to spice things up and decided on thoroughbred horse racing.”
“We’re just excited to be going on this new adventure,” Danny added.
Racetrack employees would not confirm the exact number of bets placed on Captain PixieHoof, but one Derby attendee, who asked only to be identified as Butch, was willing to explain his reasoning for putting “every last goddamn cent” on the underdog.
“I only got a hundred bucks left to my name, and I got some real bad motherfuckers from back West looking for me. You never see odds like these, so I figured I’d throw it all down, pray for a miracle,” said Butch while scouring abandoned tables for unfinished mint juleps. “You said that horse is a furry? Is that a coat color or something?”
Upon learning further details about Captain PixieHoof, Butch stared off at the horizon.
“I never should have left Fresno,” he said.
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Photo via Taylor Herring.