SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Attempted murderer Freddy Dunning-Kruger has overestimated his ability to adequately slay children while they sleep, sources on Elm Street report.
“I kill kids in their dreams. It’s kind of my thing,” Dunning-Kruger reported from the subconscious plane of a psychosexual nightmare. “I’m pretty good at it, too — top 25% of nighttime dream murderers, I’d say. You’d think that if you killed them in their sleep, they would die in real life. It barely works. Half the time they wake up in a puddle of bed piss and I have to kill them from scratch again! And don’t get me started on when they lure me back into reality and murder me instead. Murdering a murderer who you hate because he’s a murderer? It’s so hypocritical.”
Dunning-Kruger’s survivors have noted patterns of inefficiency and shoddy work in his murder plots, despite his high-level self-assessment.
“Freddy talked a lot without really doing anything,” Dunning-Kruger survivor Patricia Granger admitted, apparently confused by Dunning-Kruger’s lack of ability. “He wanted to torture me with my deepest fears. I’m really only scared of public speaking, though, so he just sat in the audience while I gave a PowerPoint about the history of Ohio. He wiggled his knife glove at me a little bit, but I don’t think he was even trying to scare me: he was trying to check his watch. By the time he got up to kill me, my alarm had gone off and I was safe.”
Investigators familiar with Dunning-Kruger’s crimes claim his incompetence is common for paranormal serial killers.
“Yeah, Freddy, I’ve heard of him. Trying to murder kids in their dreams. Real bad at it. Seen a few cases like it before,” recalled crime scene investigator Elijah Landsman as he smoked in an office he was no longer allowed to smoke in. “They set unrealistic expectations — high quarterly goals for their murder quotas. Always think they’re gonna kill a whole group of horny teenagers or some shit, but at least one gets away — usually a girl, usually white. They try to look all macho with a knife glove or a hockey mask, but the form breaks the function; they can’t see jack shit through those masks. Can’t say I’m surprised that this guy is failing. He needs to nail the basics before he can add the pizzazz.”
At press time, Dunning-Kruger was seen entering a nightmare about a forgotten final exam.
