KYOTO, Japan — After Illumination Studios’ The Super Mario Bros. Movie broke box office records this month, becoming the most lucrative video game adaptation in history, Nintendo executives looked forward to future potential adaptations, while laughing hysterically at the mere thought of a Mother movie.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa through smiles and tears. “You think we’re going to put time and effort into adapting beloved video game series Mother into a feature-length film? A series that fans are extremely passionate about and would eat up anything related to it no matter the reason? Oh my god, that’s rich, I honestly haven’t thought about Mother or EarthBound in ages. Speaking of, I think we have to file some cease and desists on some Mother 4 fan projects I’d forgotten about.”
Reggie Fils-Aimé, former president of Nintendo of America, caught wind of the discussion and offered his own unique perspective.
“For years they tormented me,” said Fils-Aimé. “Where’s Mother 3? When’s Mother 3 coming? Bring Mother 3 to America—now they want a god damned movie? Oh my god, it’s happening again. Look at my hands. Are my hands shaking right now? I feel like I’m about to vibrate out of my skin. Can you grab my Klonopin? It should be in the bottle over there with the Lucas sticker on it.”
Fan reaction to Nintendo’s condescension of a potential Mother movie was not received well.
“It’s really sad how Nintendo just ignores this franchise,” said Reid Young, founder of EarthBound fansite Starmen.net. “Mario gets all these games, all these spin-offs, and now a big Hollywood movie? When are we going to get a watered down EarthBound movie with a bunch of awkward jokes and pointless needle drops that take viewers out of the experience? You know what, on second thought, maybe this is a good thing.”
At press time, Mother series creator Shigesato Itoi urged passionate fans to put a Mother movie out into the world themselves if it would make their hearts truly happy.
