25. Eve Moneypenny
I know what you’re going to say. Moneypenny doesn’t count as a Bond Girl but to that I say, shut up nerd. When she’s a secretary she doesn’t count as a Bond Girl but when she’s a field agent named Eve who isn’t revealed to be Moneypenny until the very end of the movie she counts. This Moneypenny is such a bad field agent that she gets demoted to secretary so ordinarily I would say maybe I have a shot because I could provide a nice sense of normalcy to her hectic terrible life. However, she is so hot and so out of my league that even if I did charm her I would be arrested by MI6 whilst trying to visit her at work. Even government intelligence who keeps tabs on all its employees would assume I am a crazy stalker and frankly I wouldn’t blame them. If I saw someone like me getting close to someone like her I would also assume the worst.
24. Estrella
I don’t know anything about Estrella. She’s in Spectre for like two minutes in the pre-title sequence but I don’t need to know anything about her. She’s a hot Mexican. I would eat my fingers one by one for the opportunity to spend a few minutes with her and not even do anything, just stand next to her. But alas I have a greater chance of flying to the moon by flapping my arms really fast than I have of being with a hot Mexican. No matter how many times I try, my Spanish pickup line “Dónde está la Biblioteca” has yet to work and I’m starting to lose hope.
23. Camille Montes
Another hot Latina except this one is so focused and determined in her revenge mission that she doesn’t even sleep with Bond. That’s right, a Bond Girl who doesn’t sleep with Bond. She wants revenge, she has no time for sex, not even with James Bond. If she ain’t got time to sleep with Bond, what do you think she’d do to me if I came up and tried to waste her time? I’ll tell you, a bullet between my eyes.
22. Teresa di Vicenzo
The only woman to ever get Bond to tie the knot. Do you know how special of a woman you have to be to get James Bond of all people to settle down? This is a man who goes through women like I go through Cool Ranch Doritos and this woman made him want monogamy. Suffice it to say, a woman like that is truly one of a kind and I don’t belong anywhere near her. Considering her father is a mob boss I’m sure I’d be whacked before I got within 10 yards.
21. Octopussy
The thing about Octopussy is that Octopussy is a nickname that her father gave her when she was a kid and that’s really creepy and weird and I’d never let that go and she’d have her octopus cult of henchwomen kill me.
20. Lucia Sciarra
I have to break kayfabe for this one. That’s Monica Bellucci. One of the most beautiful women to ever walk the face of the earth. So you may be wondering why she’s not much higher. Well, that’s because she’s currently in a relationship with Tim Burton so she clearly has a thing for weird little guys.
19. Nomi
Nomi became 007 after Bond retired. Now I’m not sure if as the new 007 she slept with as many people as Bond did but I’ll tell you this I am not of the standards of a 007 sexual partner. She’d probably use me as a human shield in a shoot-out and honestly good for her, that’s a great strategy, I’m plump so I’d provide ample protection and no one will miss me when I’m gone so she won’t even get reprimanded for it.
18. Paris Carver
I will never find out if they’re real or if they’re spectacular.
17. Tiffany Case
A lot of people hate Tiffany Case because she’s ditzy and annoying. Even Bond calls her a stupid twit at one point. All of that may be true but this isn’t a list of best Bond Girls, this is a list based on my supreme inability to charm beautiful women and in that context, Tiffany Case is a hot red-headed baddie. I’ve been chasing red-headed baddies ever since I was a kid and watched Kim Possible and let me tell you, the way that chase is going I am going to die alone. Tiffany is a diamond smuggler which means she’s rich and has an entrepreneurial mindset. I am a lazy stay-at-home writer with an “I should play Mass Effect again” mindset. Perhaps she’s ditzy enough to waste some amount of time with me but it’s only a matter of time until one of two things happens. Either the presence of a real-life red-headed baddie drives me into a panic attack at the thought of blowing it or she realizes that even a ditz like her can do better than a stupid idiot like me once she sees that the only topic I can hold a conversation about is the artistic merits of the Bully Maguire dance in Spider-Man 3. Both. Probably both.
16. May Day
She’d snap me in half like a twig just for looking at her.
15. Anya Amasova
Anya is one of the best secret agents in Russia which means my nervous, neurotic blubbering of bad pickup lines isn’t just going to get a drink thrown in my face, it’s gonna put me on the same list Putin puts journalists and political rivals. Me and probably my whole family will die under suspicious circumstances just for me disrespecting the air she breathes by also breathing it. My attempts at being charming would most likely be so atrocious and off-putting that they would be seen as an act of aggression and I may just cause an international incident.
14. Fiona Volpe
In a world of red-headed baddies, Fiona Volpe is the baddest of them all. A n strong, seductive stone cold killer Volpe is almost like an anti-Bond. She’s an assassin for SPECTRE who’s an expert in plotting, manipulation, sabotage, and killing. Bond sleeps around because he can, and Volpe sleeps around when the job demands it. I would never be a job that demanded it. Even if I was an enemy of SPECTRE she wouldn’t need to seduce me to kill me, she could just kill me. Honestly, if she asked me to do it myself I probably would because who am I to turn down any request from such a strong sexy woman? Volpe is the type of woman whose mere gaze will make you feel like you just got shot and with her you probably did. I’d buy her a drink and she would poison mine.
13. Sylvia Trench
Sylvia Trench isn’t just the first Bond Girl, she’s who he stole his catchphrase from. That’s right, a woman so charming and charismatic that James Bond took his catchphrase from her. Immediately out of my league. In addition to that, she’s a well-cultured woman. A high-stakes gambler, a golfer, a woman daring enough to break into men’s apartments and wait for them wearing nothing but one of their shirts. I’d never be one of those men whose apartments she breaks into, if anything she would mistake me for a casino waiter. That’s a woman who needs a man and I am but a man-child. There’s no way I could handle myself around her. I’d ask her name and she’d say “Trench. Sylvia Trench. And you?” and I’d be so out of my element that I’d say something like “Matt. Matt. Matt Fresh. Fresh Matt.” She’d assume I’m having a stroke and tell casino employees to call an ambulance.
12. Professor Inga Bergstrom
Professor Inga Bergstrom appears very briefly in Tomorrow Never Dies. She’s in it so briefly that I couldn’t actually get a picture of her from the movie. Frankly, I’m pushing it by classifying her as a Bond Girl and including her on this list, let alone ranking her so highly. Here’s the thing though, she is one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen in my life, and on top of that she’s a Professor at Oxford University which means she’s also highly intelligent. I don’t deserve to exist on the same planet as this woman and were I to have the opportunity to potentially charm her I doubt I’d do anything other than weep over how unworthy I am to be in her presence.
11. Xenia Onatopp
Make no mistake, I would fumble Xenia as hard as any man could fumble a beautiful, strong, woman. I already have negative rizz, I can’t imagine what gibberish would come out of my mouth should I attempt to converse with her. I would likely not leave an encounter with her alive. The only reason she isn’t in the top ten is because she gets off on killing men during sex so there’s a chance she’d sleep with me just to kill me and that’s a risk I’m willing to take. At least I’d be able to die knowing at least one woman finished first.
10. Honey Ryder
Honey Ryder rising out of the ocean in her bikini is one of the most iconic moments in the Bond series and cinema itself. Do you know how hot you have to be for you just walking out of the ocean in a swimsuit to be considered iconic? Even Bond’s jaw is on the floor when he first sees her. If I was on the same beach as Honey Ryder and I approached her in my swimwear I would be escorted away by police. If we were both fully clothed in a Walmart parking lot and my car was next to her I would be escorted away by police. She goes along with Bond because just because Dr. No wrecked her boat. If she’s willing to help a secret agent take down a dangerous terrorist mastermind lord knows what she’d do to me if I made the mistake of using my patented charm to say “Honey Ryder, I hardly know her”.
9. Domino Derval
I could spend a paragraph talking about how Domino is a sexy, intelligent, courageous woman. I could spend some run-on sentences talking about how she has all the qualities of a top Bond Girl, how she kills villain Emilio Largo by shooting him with a harpoon gun, and making a joke about how she would do the same to me. I could even add some colorful commentary on some nonsense made-up reasons that I may have an ever so slight chance at not fumbling. But let’s be real, look at the woman in that picture and then look back at the little picture of me in the header image. Nuff said.
8. Elektra King
Aside from her beauty, Elektra is the daughter of an oil tycoon which means she’s loaded furthering the gap that poor, lowly, online comedy writer me would have to cross in the hopes of winning her affection. She’s also a strong-willed and uber-determined woman, so determined is she to get what she wants that she’s willing to shack up with a terrorist who kidnapped her. So my lackadaisical aim low and avoid disappointment attitude would only give her even more of the ick were I to approach. My one saving grace here is that if she’s willing to be with the weird-looking anarchist who kidnapped her then maybe she’s also willing to be with a funny-looking slacker who writes silly lists for the internet. Or maybe the aforementioned kidnapper would kill me for approaching his woman?
7. Dr. Madeleine Swann
I would slit my wrists for a chance to talk to this woman.
6. Dr. Christmas Jones
Here’s the thing, an average-looking nuclear physicist is out of my league. An ugly nuclear physicist is out of my league. Dr. Christmas Jones isn’t just out of my league, she’s in a completely different stratosphere. She has the brains of Marie Curie and the looks of Lara Croft, how does one even approach a woman like that without becoming a blubbering mess? She’s so hot that if I was walking down the street and she was walking towards me I would cross to the other side out of respect. If I could muster a meek “Hi” to her, I would consider that a win because no meeting between the two of us would ever get farther than that. If someone introduced us and she said “ew” I would respectfully agree. Were I to ever attempt to seduce Dr. Christmas Jones I would turn into one of the devolved mute humans from Planet of the Apes once I got within 50 feet of her.
5. Jinx
First emerging out of the water just like Honey Ryder did 20 years earlier, Jinx is named such because she was born on Friday the 13th and is a bastion of bad luck. That’s where I come in. Jinx is one of the hottest women to ever walk the face of the earth. She’s so hot that we forgave her for Catwoman. I have a better chance at becoming the first-ever Canadian President of the United States than I do of ever getting with this woman. I would have a heart attack and die just seeing her in person. But as I said she’s called Jinx for a reason and her bad luck means she’s going to be approached by me, I’m going to say a few awful pickup lines and she is going to knee me in the groin. But maybe, just maybe her curse of bad luck will translate into me getting farther with her than I would with the few Bond Girls above her. That is to say, maybe I’ll get a phone number that when I call for a date is actually just a Wendy’s.
4. Pussy Galore
Pussy Galore is famous for being one of the few women who Bond really had to work for. She was immune to charms for a large portion of the movie. Any woman who James Bond has trouble seducing essentially leaves me with a less than zero percent chance of seducing. I have neither the charisma nor handsomeness of James Bond let alone the drive to continue pursuing a woman who is so strong-willed against seduction. When I get even politely rejected I wallow in self-pity and despair for at least two weeks, staying locked in my room with the blinds closed and lights off while silently playing FFXIV which if you didn’t know has a free trial that includes the first two critically acclaimed expansions and lets you play up to level 70 with no restrictions on playtime. The point is there’s no way I’d be able to handle a woman like Pussy Galore. She’d probably just kill me on sight, to be honest. Even if I lived long enough to talk to her I’d end up making a joke about her name and be promptly killed. So either way I’m not leaving this interaction alive and I probably had it coming.
3. Wai Lin
Wai Lin is played by Michelle Yeoh. I am not leaving this encounter without getting beaten to a pulp. Even if I had the charm and charisma to strike up a conversation with her, she would inevitably end up beating me up and it wouldn’t be because I requested it. I’m not even sure I’d be able to get within 5 feet of her before she just beat me up out of instinct. This is a woman who is on par with James Bond in terms of skills as an action hero, probably a few steps above him in hand-to-hand combat. I don’t stand a chance.
2. Paloma
If I was in the same room as this woman I would explode into a puddle of creamy goo.
1. Vesper Lynd
Vesper Lynd is the best Bond Girl of all time. She is the perfect combination of all the best aspects of a Bond Girl. She’s smart, independent, beautiful beyond belief, and morally dubious. Vesper Lynd is such a catch that James Bond spent the next four movies not being able to get over her. Even after she betrayed him. I would barely be able to utter a single word to this woman and whatever that word is, it would not impress her all, it probably wouldn’t be a word from any real language. I would say hello to her incorrectly and blow it all. I might not even get that far. I’d probably fumble on my walk over to her. I’d see her from across the room and just go home because someone like me does not deserve to be in the same room as someone like her. If she approached me intent on getting my number I would still fumble. If I was James Bond I would still fumble. If she was brainwashed into being with me and tried to force me to sleep with her I would decline out of respect because even I know I’m not worthy and don’t deserve it. There’s not a single multiverse where I wouldn’t fumble Vesper Lynd.
