50. Patricia Fearing
Patricia Fearing is a nurse at a health clinic so pretty much everything I said about Molly Warmflash applies to her as well. The reason she’s ranked higher though is because Bond essentially blackmails her into sleeping with him which I would never do so maybe she’ll at least appreciate me for that. It’s a low bar to clear but you never know.
49. Miss Caruso
Miss Caruso is Italian which means at some point I’m going to do a Mario Bros. impression. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am.
48. Tatiana Romanova
Tatiana is a cipher clerk for the Soviet Embassy in Istanbul who becomes a pawn in SPECTRE’s plan to get revenge on Bond for killing Dr. No. Bond and MI6 see the plan as a trap pretty much immediately but go along with it anyway because they deem the reward worth the risk. The reward to MI6 is a Russian decoding machine and the reward Bond to Bond is Tatiana herself. I’m with Bond, I’ll gladly walk into an obvious trap if it meant meeting this woman. The first time Bond meets her, she’s lying in his bed wearing nothing but a black choker. Naturally, he takes this opportunity to charm and sleep with her. If I found her in my bed like that I would faint. If this list was ranked on pure hotness, she’d be near the top but I also have to take other factors into account. Tatiana in essence is just a nice girl who got tricked into something under the guise of helping her country and doing her job. Would I fumble her? Absolutely, but she’d probably be nice about it and let me down easy as opposed to most Bond Girls in which my life is in danger just by daring to hit on them.
47. Kara Milovy
Kara is dating an evil Soviet General who’s playing both sides of the Cold War so she clearly doesn’t have good taste in men. That bodes well for me. She also willingly goes along with the General’s plan for her to pretend to assassinate him which means she’s not very bright either. That also bodes well for me. Despite her naivety, she’s very game to go along with helping Bond despite how dangerous it is which shows she has the conviction of a woman who would never sully herself with the likes of me. She’s also a cellist with a passion for classical music and a goal to travel the world so she’s not going to want to waste her time with someone such as me who has a passion for Weird Al and a goal to travel throughout Faerûn.
46. Pola Ivanova
Pola is a KGB agent which increases my chances of being killed tenfold but the Bond she sleeps with is 57-year-old Roger Moore so perhaps if I were to approach she’d just be happy that someone closer to her age is interested. Doubt I’d get far enough to be invited in the hot tub though.
45. Bianca
Bianca drives by some guards that have captured Bond and flashes her thighs at them to distract them, this allows Bond to escape. If she flashed me her thighs I would just crash the car.
44. Solange Dimitrios
The wife of a criminal middleman, Solange first appears riding a horse across the beach. The truth is I am so incredibly awkward and inept at picking up social cues and signals that even if she were interested in me, I would spend the whole time hanging out with the horse. Animals rule, they’re better than people. Me and that horse are gonna be best friends. Perhaps she’ll appreciate my love of animals and that will endear me to her. That’s really my only shot.
43. Naomi
Naomi is the personal assistant/helicopter pilot to Karl Stromberg and if she told me to jump into moving helicopter blades for a shot at first base I would do it. Unfortunately, there’s no way she would ever speak to me, and if I ever tried to hit on her I would end up freezing like Mitch McConnell.
42. Kimberley Jones
Kimberly Jones is a British agent who pilots a submarine to help Bond escape during the pre-title sequence of A View to a Kill. Immediately after he enters the sub, he tells her to put it on autopilot and then they have sex on the couch. That’s it, not flirting, no seduction, just right away sex on the submarine couch. Why there’s an official government-made submarine with a couch in it is beyond me. It seems like Kimberly would have just had sex with anyone who stepped into that submarine which bodes well for me. What doesn’t bode well is my penchant for getting claustrophobic and freaking out. I’m too poor to implode in an underwater vessel and my freak-out would kill the mood.
41. Bonita
I’d buy her bath water.
40. Andrea Anders
Another Bond Girl with terrible taste in men. Andrea Anders is the mistress of the man with the golden gun himself Francisco Scaramanga. So desperate is she to get out of that relationship that she makes Bond think that Scaramanga is hunting him in an effort to get Bond to kill the infamous assassin. Desperate enough to run into my arms? Probably not. She’d probably stay with Scaramanga if I was her only other choice, at least he has a skill and a good income.
39. Helga Brandt
Helga Brandt is a member of SPECTRE who decides to sleep with Bond when she’s supposed to be killing him. Sure she tries to kill him later but she fails and maybe if she had tried to kill him earlier she would have succeded and not been fed to piranhas. Surely she would have known that there would be deadly repercussions were she to fail and yet she still decided to sleep with him instead and waste valuable time. That shows a severe lack of judgment and common sense which coincidentally are the two things that prevent most woman from wasting their time with me. Would I be able to seize the opportunity of a hot redhead? Absolutely not, I would fold like laundry on a Saturday morning. Her mission was to kill Bond and she slept with him, if her mission was to sleep with me she would kill me. And quickly. I probably wouldn’t even get my clothes all the way off. I’d get too excited over the prospect of getting it on with a hot redhead and I would act like an 8-year-old who knows they’re going to Disneyland. She would kill me right in the middle of my pre-sex dance.
38. Corinne Dufour
Hugo Drax’s personal helicopter pilot, Corinne sleeps with Bond and gives him information on Drax that isn’t supposed to just because Bond went into her bedroom at night. If that’s all I have to do then I have a shot. The likelier scenario is she calls security as soon as I open her bedroom door and I get fed to Drax’s dogs instead of her.
37. Mary Goodnight
Mary Goodnight is an idiot. If dumb blondes had a poster child it would be her. She’s supposed to be a secret agent but she is just so incredibly ditzy and bad at her job she makes Rosie Carver look like Joanna Dark. This woman doesn’t even know how solar power works. All she does is get in Bond’s way, at one point she almost kills him when she turns on a laser by accidentally walking her butt into the button. Considering I ranked Rosie Carver so low because her stupidity would give me the best chance at any Bond Girl you may be wondering why Mary Goodnight is ranked so much higher. The answer is simple. Mary Goodnight spends the majority of her screen time in a bikini and I mean look at her. She looks really good in a bikini, like astoundingly good in a bikini. So maybe I could weasel my way into seducing her due to her stupidity but even if I did I couldn’t handle someone who looks that good in a bikini. I was not made to seduce women who look that good in a bikini, I can’t even flirt with women who look bad in bikinis. Also like I said, she’s so dumb she doesn’t even know what solar power is and there’s no way I wouldn’t get annoyed at that level of stupidity.
36. Plenty O’Toole
I don’t know much about Plenty O’Toole as a person other than she’s slightly annoying and a gold digger but I do know that she’s far too hot to be anywhere near my vicinity. I’m not rich enough or good enough at gambling for her to approach me in a casino so I would have to approach her and let me tell you there is no universe where I don’t bust talking to her and that would make it even harder cause I’m sure the stain on my pants would be a big turn off. Gambling is all about luck and random chance so there is a sliver of hope that my ‘bet it all on black’ mentality wins and she goes back to my room to take some of my winnings.
35. Holly Goodhead
I will not ever find out if her last name is accurate.
34. Pam Bouvier
Pam Bouvier is the real deal. She’s a CIA agent who’s every bit Bond’s equal and a pixie-cut queen. She’s the type of girl that if you were on a date with her and a bunch of punks tried making trouble she’d be the one to beat them up instead of them beating you up when you try to act tough to impress her. She’s a fearless, intelligent woman who would know just by a glance that I am wasting her time by even walking towards her. And I’d be super intimidated by such a capable woman who can rock short hair that well. But she is a bit of a tomboy so I’d be able to chat her up and hope she too enjoys talking about fun film facts that feminine women get annoyed by like Viggo Mortensen breaking his toe when he kicks the helmet in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
33. Stacey Sutton
I do have to give Stacey Sutton some credit. She comes from a family of oil tycoons and was set to inherit the business but still went out to get an education in earth science. Good for her. She could have just been a blonde bimbo nepo baby but she went off to school to learn. That’s bad news for me because it means she’s not only too hot and rich to be mucking about with the likes of me but she’s also too smart. Perhaps she wouldn’t mind an everyman layabout schlub to keep her down to earth but there are probably better schlubs than me.
32. Tilly Masterson
Tilly is after revenge on Auric Goldfinger for the death of her sister. It was a very famous death that I’m sure you’ve already pictured in your head the moment you read the word ‘Goldfinger’. As previously mentioned I don’t do well with serious topics so I would probably say something stupid like “Well at least when she died she looked like a million bucks” and she would run me over.
31. Jill Masterson
Well, she looks like a million bucks.
30. Sévérine
Sévérine has maybe the darkest backstory of any Bond Girl. She was a victim of the sex trade and forced into child prostitution and only got out by being sold to Raoul Silva as his slave. That would make me very uncomfortable around her. I don’t go to therapy despite the voices telling me I should but if I did I know the therapist would tell me I use humor as a defense mechanism against uncomfortable trauma. I do not believe I would get through a conversation with her without making a really inappropriate joke which she would then shoot me for.
29. Strawberry Fields
Yes, I’m going to sing the song, yes she’s heard that a thousand times and yes she will punch me in the face.
28. Melina Havelock
A hard-edged, steely-eyed, raven-haired badass beauty with a crossbow on a quest for revenge. Melina is an intelligent, courageous young woman who will do whatever it takes to make sure the people who killed her parents are brought to justice. She’s charismatic and a little bit mysterious and that frightens me. Just looking into her eyes I don’t know if I should be nervous because she’s a pretty lady or nervous because she’s a pretty lady who’s about to shoot me with a crossbow. That nervousness would lead to me jumbling my words and asking her if she’d like to shoot me with a crossbow sometime. She’s Greek though and so am I so no doubt my ability to pronounce “Gyro” correctly will impress her.
27. Solitaire
The nice thing about trying to hit on Solitaire is that since she can (allegedly) see the future she would know exactly what’s gonna happen and would simply reject me before I could even embarrass myself. Unfortunately, I don’t believe in psychics or voodoo so no matter how many “The Fool” tarot cards she flips I would not believe her, and I would embarrass myself repeatedly as each of her predictions come true. Make no mistake though, that doesn’t prove anything because it doesn’t take a psychic to know I am a fool who has no chance of succeeding with beautiful ladies.
26. Miranda Frost
She could (and would) impale me with a sword and I would say “Thank you Mother”.
