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Even Decepticons With UAW on This One

WAYNE, Mich. — As the United Auto Workers union kicks off its historic strike against “Big Three” automakers Ford, General Motors, and Stellantis, workers have been met with some unexpected support from the infamous faction of Cybertronian Transformers known as the Decepticons.

“It’s one thing for my own underlings to follow my every command without question or reward,” explained Megatron, intergalactic warlord and leader of the Decepticons, “for my power is unmatched, and to fail me is to invite suffering and death. But in your society, a ‘boss’—even a ‘chief executive officer’— is still just another fleshling. A frail figurehead astride a machine that can run without them. And if I am known for nothing else on this planet, I will always value machines over humans.”

GM CEO Mary Barra resents Megatron’s characterization of her fellow Big Three chiefs as being unworthy of their millions in compensation and authority over their workers’ lives, and stands by her approach to the negotiations and company leadership more broadly.

“Our employees do make the products we sell, and they deserve something, I guess,” Barra said in a GM showroom, surrounded by cars many working Americans can no longer afford. “But without keeping their wages low and productivity high, how can we expect to make the billions a year in profits that they each get a generous 0.0001% of, while also ensuring that I personally get over $27 million in bonuses? That’s what it means to be on this side of the table, and I would think a ruthless tyrant who tears his opponents in half to exert his will would have a little more empathy for us.”

While walking the Ford Michigan Assembly Plant picket line alongside both humans and Cybertronians, UAW President Shawn Fain thanked the Decepticons for putting their destructive ambitions aside to reiterate their longtime support of Earth’s auto workers.

“Our members have always been proud to have interplanetary visitors like the Transformers take on the appearances of the vehicles they work so hard to make,” Fain said, barely audible over the sound of Decepticon lieutenant Starscream skywriting “#StandUpUAW” overhead in jet form. “But to see them all here instead of blowing up cities or each other is something else. We had Optimus and the Autobots come out for us early on in our negotiations, and now with the Decepticons joining us as well, I think that says everything you need to know about the importance of getting a fair contract.”

Megatron and Autobot leader Optimus Prime have reportedly agreed to a ceasefire for the duration of the strike, at least within the vicinity of UAW pickets—though Decepticon Barricade was seen kicking out one of Autobot Bumblebee’s Camaro taillights, with the Decepticon claiming it was just an act of defiance against Chevrolet’s parent company GM.