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DSM-5 Officially Classifies Not Skipping Podcast Ads as Early Sign of Psychosis

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition, or DSM-5, has just acknowledged a new early sign for mental psychosis: not skipping the ads on podcasts. 

“Podcast ads are either a cold, sterile ad reading from a company or a needlessly long improv bit where the host tries to riff on the product, and either way they are demented,” said Mental Health Expert Dr. Heather Cromwell. “Anyone who doesn’t immediately whip out their phone and fumble through fifteen second skips to get past the onslaught of Stamps.com codes and Brooklinen sheets promos must be at risk for severe mental issues, and should have a psychiatric evaluation immediately.”

Podcast listener Michael Vanderbilt explained his harrowing experience after telling a doctor he listens to the podcast ads.

“I told my physician I love this podcast, and he asked me if I have trouble skipping the ads. When I replied that I just let the ads play, three nurses burst in to restrain me,” Vanderbilt said. “They tell me that something in my brain chemistry is off, if I don’t skip podcast ads then I may be messed up enough to cause harm to myself, or worse, others. I just think it’s kind of funny when a podcast has a host do a funny little voice hawking a Blue Apron subscription for way longer than they’re required to. I even like it when they give a lengthy personal testimony, making sure to shoehorn in the same specific details every time so you know they tried the product at least one time. Hey, where are you taking me? Let go of me!”

At press time, sources noted that many patients at a nearby insane asylum were able to make a website pleading for their release thanks to their influx of Squarespace promo codes.