BURBANK, Calif. — Following the success of his entries into the Marvel, Disney, and Star Wars universes, Disney has announced plans to put influential writer/director/producer Jon Favreau in their vault for maybe a decade or so, depending on how everything goes.
“Now that Disney+ has negated the idea of arbitrarily hoarding popular content from demanding fans, we’ve got to change the model,” said Bob Iger, executive chairman of Disney. “For this reason, we are going to take Jon, and a couple of friends if he wants, and lock him away for a while, so that when he returns his projects will be even more hotly anticipated then they are now. Think of what he’ll come up with in there, all locked away, nothing on his mind but escape and revenge. It could be enough to launch an entire new saga!”
The modern updating of a classic Disney marketing tool sent shockwaves through the industry, all the way to Favreau himself.
“Wait, what?” said Favreau, creator of The Mandalorian, after receiving the news. “That can’t be serious, right? The ‘Disney vault,’ wasn’t an actual vault, it was just them not selling a movie for a while. I’ve got post production on Jungle Book 2, and then we’re going right into Mando 3 after that. I can’t be locked away from my work and family for an undisclosed amount of time, that would be inhumane of Disney!”
Though some have criticized the practice as inhumane, some high profile Disney stars have come to the defense of the practice.
“I know it sounds rough, but they really have a nice set up in there,” said Rick Moranis, who was recently released from the Disney vault after several decades of contracted captivity. “I was in there drinking sodas and watching movies six months before they came out. It’s actually pretty shitty out here, and if we’re being honest I would love to get back in that vault for a while.”
As of press time, Disney reportedly managed to convince Favreau to enter the vault voluntarily, claiming that it would be “just like he’s a Star Wars character” due to the fact that he is entering a sort of carbonite. He was allowed up to three toys to bring with him.
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