PURGATORY — Recently deceased filmmaker Robert Howells was shocked to discover that purgatory, the period of waiting between life and afterlife, was actually not how he pictured it at all, according to close sources within Heaven.
“Every one of my movies is a metaphor for purgatory, and they’re all packed with vague symbolism, large empty rooms, characters who feel lost, and empty absurdism. Now that I’m actually dead, though, I find out that purgatory’s actually just a big chill party. Huh!” Howells said to other dead people, grooving to music while awaiting eternal afterlife. “I thought because critics love my movies so much, that I must be right about purgatory. Turns out it’s just good vibes out here. It’s not confusing, time works the same way it does on Earth, and it’s not the ‘50s or anything weird like that.”
News of Howells’ discovery has made it to the living and has sent many critically acclaimed filmmakers into existential crises.
“I just refuse to believe this,” said writer/director Charlie Kaufman. “It’s freaking me out too much. It makes me feel like I’m an ageless man, watching my own life unfold before my eyes. What’s real? What isn’t real? Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I am a man adrift. I am many men. I am John Malkovich. I am The Director. I have no name. I have no purpose. Learning that purgatory isn’t real has sent me into a spiral of nothingness; I’m going to make my next movie about this experience.”
“Learning that purgatory isn’t confusing has left me feeling completely lost,” explained writer Damon Lindelof. “This revelation makes me feel like I’m out, alone, on an island. Nothing quite makes sense and nothing is what it seems. Now that I know purgatory isn’t just a collection of meaningless symbolism, it feels like whole threads of my life that I thought would be imported ended up just being about nothing at all.”
“Yeah, I dunno, sounds exactly right to me,” said Coco director Lee Unkrich.
As of press time, Howells had reportedly departed from purgatory after being sent to Hell for still being friends with Roman Polanski.
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