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David Zaslav Announces Plans To Merge Bathroom and Kitchen

NEW YORK CITY — After acquiring a beautiful brownstone earlier this year, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced his plans to combine his bathroom and kitchen.

“Kitchen has done great work in the past, it’s built up a lot of good will,” he said. “But Bathroom has a history of consistent performance. There’s a lot of user engagement with bathroom. I really see no possible downside to this. There’s a lot of synergy here. At the end of the day, I see both of these as rooms with sinks, and that’s really the bottom line.”

“People will use the kitchen more because that’s where the toilet is,” he continued.  “And then, once we have those people in there, they’ll see the stove and think ‘I should make pasta’.”

Critics of the merger claim that guests of Zaslav’s won’t feel comfortable eating food that’s been prepared in a bathroom, or moving their bowels in a crowded kitchen, but time will tell. 

“In recent months, Zaslav has noticed a lot fewer people coming to his house and he’s hoping these developments could reverse the trend, but a lot of us are skeptical,” said JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon. “I’m not peeing in David’s kitchen, no matter how nice it is in there.”

Of course, this is just the beginning. The restructuring could also expand to affect other elements of the house. For instance, the CEO has mentioned plans to cut back on what he called “unnecessary walls”.

“I’m going to cancel the roof and sell it to Hulu,” he said cheerfully.