LOS ANGELES — Two veteran officers were incredibly relieved last night when they discovered that the unarmed black man they opened fire on was actually a vampire.
“At first, I just thought he was a black guy with bad teeth. And I got really worried after I shot him because the governor specifically told us not to shoot any more black guys.” explained Officer Randal Dennison. “I knew something was wrong when the first two shots didn’t take him down. but I’m not just going to stab some black guy with a wooden stake on the off-chance he’s a vampire.”
The officers say the individual lunged at them with the incredible speed you can only find in a black vampire. Now they just need to convince Internal Affairs that it really was a vampire.
“I’m going to need more proof, because people have used that excuse before,” Internal Affairs agent Mike Gordon declared. “It’s always ‘he was acting erratic’ or ‘I thought he had a gun’ or ‘that black guy was a werewolf’. Then we check the body cam footage, and guess what? It’s almost never a werewolf. In the last month, we had cops say they shot two Frankensteins, one Jason, and a Chupacabra. Guy’s trying to tell me the Chupacabra was going for his gun. Now why would a Chupacabra need a gun?”
County coroner Dr. Philip Shastal, confirmed that his autopsy findings also concluded that the almost victim was indeed a vampire.
“We’re conducting further tests, but at this stage I’m pretty confident he’s a vampire. For one thing, he woke up halfway through the autopsy,” Dr Shastal told reporters. “Pretty cool, if you ask me! He looked like a better version of that guy from True Detective Season 3. Plus, his body was immaculate. No stress lines on his face and he didn’t have a single wrinkle. I’d guess he hadn’t paid taxes a single day in his life.”
At press time, the department is continuing their investigation and the officers are on desk duty and strictly limited to day-shifts.
