ST. LOUIS — Workers of a local office were reportedly upset upon hearing that their company’s corporate had scheduled the mandatory employee drug testing the Monday after the release of ‘Avatar: The Way of Water.’
“Come on man, this is fucked up,” said employee Tyler Brodin. “I already had my whole weekend planned out. Wear comfy, deep-pocketed pants, take an edible 30 minutes before, and let the combination of striking 3D and chocolate-covered cookie dough bites whisk me away to Pandora. Any other weekend would’ve been fine, but do they expect me to see the long-awaited James Cameron sequel sober? This has to qualify for inhumane working conditions.”
The human resources representative that planned the drug testing explained that the selected date was no accident.
“If anyone smokes weed or does acid, they’re going to this weekend,” said HR rep Todd Fallstaff. “Go ahead, smoke your joint in the parking lot. Recline your theater chair. Cradle your six-dollar slushie. Monday morning, your stoner ass is mine. I will be going to see Avatar 2 at noon with no drugs altering my senses, and it will be a mediocre experience, and I will enjoy it. Yeah, I suppose you could wait a week and see it next weekend, but you know it won’t be the same.”
Outrage over the company policy got so much traction that Avatar director James Cameron released a statement.
“This is a disgrace to how my movie was meant to be seen: stoned out of your motherfucking gourd,” Cameron told reporters. “This movie is nothing short of cinema, and should be appreciated by scarfing down the most disgusting-tasting brownie you’ve ever tasted and fumbling around the lobby until your friend guides you to your seat.”
At press time, sources reported that the HR department had become even more cruel when they scheduled a day for all staff to work late on the day that both Oppenheimer and Barbie will release.
