CHICAGO — Newly orphaned local resident Tyler Frances is reportedly recovering from the recent tragedy that both of his parents were murdered in an alleyway mugging by staying positive, an outlook he credits to the Golden Age of comic books.
“I am choosing to view this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity,” Frances said. “Batman was a nobody before his parents were killed. Spiderman was just some geeky loser. Tony Stark didn’t even like his dad. I could go on and on. Now that my tragic origin is behind me, I have nowhere to go but up. Be on the lookout for big things from me, or should I say my alter ego, Dead Parents Boy. Working title.”
“I don’t have any powers or skills at the moment, but I’m sure the narrative structure of my life will turn around soon,” Frances added. “Fingers crossed I fall into a vat of something by the second act. I guess I’ll miss my mom and dad, but I really couldn’t achieve my dreams with them still walking around all alive and stuff.”
According to those close to the situation, mugger Mike Watney, who has since been taken into custody, is confused by Frances’ unique take on the situation.
“When we were in court, he kept swearing his revenge on me and all this stuff,” Watney said. “I actually had to explain to the guy that they gave me two life sentences with no chance of parole, I’m ain’t getting out for him to take his revenge on. Also, the guy’s like 90 pounds soakin’ wet, I don’t think he’s much of a threat to anybody.”
The brother of the deceased and Frances’ uncle, Benjamin Frances, shared Tyler’s sentiments.
“Phew!” Benjamin said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t me. I hung out with Tyler a lot, so it was really a 50/50.”
At press time, Frances’ permit requests for a gas-powered grapple gun, nuclear powered car, and his adoption application for a young orphan boy for “sidekick purposes” were all denied by the state of Illinois.
