HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking new development, famed film and television actor/voice actor Chris Pratt has been announced as the new voice of your internal dialogue.
“I’ve done my best to involve myself in as many massive franchises as possible for one reason and one reason only: I have a nice voice and I want you to hear it,” explained Pratt via press conference inside your own head, addressed directly to you. “But for the longest time, I couldn’t be sure whether or not you would ever actually go see any of the movies my voice is in. I did Jurassic World, Mario, and Garfield because lots of people love those franchises. Even the Lego Movie. Everyone loves Legos! But maybe you don’t. Now I don’t have to worry about that. Why waste time starring in all these roles I’m not even sure you’ll see when I can put my beautiful voice directly into your head?”
Though Pratt declined to provide any details that may indicate how exactly he managed to become the voice of your internal dialogue, or why he chose to be your internal dialogue rather than anyone else’s, he became visibly excited as he detailed all the ways his new voice role will impact you specifically.
“Reading a book? No, Chris Pratt is reading a book to you. Remembering a funny joke? No, Chris Pratt is telling you a funny joke. Fantasizing about that cute barista you saw last week? Lo and behold, that barista sounds like Chris Pratt.”
At this point in the press conference, Pratt sat back in his chair, closed his eyes, and sighed contentedly, a pleased look on his face.
“I will be every thought you ever have. Every doubt. Every hope. Every memory. As you go about your day it will be my voice guiding you through every little decision you make, and as you sleep my voice will permeate your dreams. Do not try to run. Do not panic. My voice will be there to comfort you. There is no escape.”
Pratt then proceeded to promote the Garfield Movie, starring him as the titular character, to be theatrically released in the United States on May 24, 2024.
